two plus one equals three

couple things to mention...

2012-02-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Near the Roman Coliseum

In Verona....

Some of you asked for a couple more photos of my trips, but here's the sad truth about it: I didn't have a digital camera back then! The few photos I have that are digital were sent from a student who had a digital camera. I think I should get more off the disk she gave me, but I can't find it. So, here are two more.

All that being said, I've been contacted a couple times last week about adoption situations and I'm hoping that something pans out. We don't know right now. But, definitely keep us in mind when you come across a situation that you think we might want to get ourselves involved in! My email address is on this page, so please feel free to use it!

when the world opens up...

2012-02-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

Canals in Venice...view from my gondola

Juliet's balcony in Verona


On the streets of Florence with my student Katherine

One of the things that's a trend in education is bringing a global perspective to our students. When I taught high school art, that seemed really easy. I sponsored three trips abroad and took students to Europe, which benefited me because I hadn't ever been across the ocean and wanted to see all the things I'd been studying in college. I saw and learned so much.

I stood under the Eiffel tower.
I ate pizza in Covent Garden, London.
I cried in many, many cathedrals.
I took deep breaths in the coliseum in Rome, savoring the history.
I bought a cross charm in Notre Dame.
I slept on an overnight train, an overnight ferry and overnight flights.
I woke up with the sunrise over water on a beach in Greece.
I said hello to the Mona Lisa.
I rode a gondola in Venice.
I talked to the dead in Pompeii.
I drug my suitcase up many, many flights of stairs and through multiple airports.

I loved it all.

I've been to Spain, Italy, Greece, England and France with students. On my own I've also been to Mexico, Canada, Belize and another trip to England.

But trying to inspire a global view with kindergarteners is a little bit tougher. I mean, they really don't know much about the world to begin with (well, except I do teach at a school with a ton of kids that were born in Hispanic countries) to know that there are so many other countries. While many of the kids might know they moved here from another country, I don't know that they understand tourism and that travel can be a choice, not a necessity. It's a difficult concept to impart on little kids.

I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see so much of the world, and I would love to see some of Asia if I could stand to be in a plane that long. It's just been so great to experience other cultures and soak up the energy from the world.

I'd love to know where you've traveled. Do tell.

yes, I'm writing about this again...

2012-01-25T15:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've written about this before, and I'm sure I will write about it again at some point in my life, but let me say I am so indebted to Jane Austen for one of the best books ever written. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite stories, whether in movie form or the original novel.

Recently, with a day off of school and Charlie at work, I had a Jane Austen day. I started with the BBC miniseries of P&P and then the 2005 Kiera Knightley version of P&P. I love both versions, and there are pros and cons to both.

Here is what I've learned, though, as I've watched these movies more than once, and after a recent re-read of the novel: Mr. Darcy loves her first. You're probably saying, "DUH." And yes, I knew that, because he proposes to her and she refuses, but it didn't really occur to me that it happened that way. I think I always just thought that they got together at the end, but I like that it isn't Elizabeth Bennet pining for Mr. Darcy the whole book through, but rather that man in the story is ensnared first. I like that, and I imagine that was pretty gutsy for the time being.

All this to say that I these Regency era stories are something I quite enjoy and I quite often run into women my age that feel the same way. Of course, there's always the argument about whether Colin Firth or Matthew MacFadyen is the better Mr. Darcy, but I like them both for different reasons.

So, here is a poll of sorts...do you like Jane Austen? Which one is your favorite? Feel free to comment and share as much as you wish! I can't wait to hear.

dreams

2012-01-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the twins that we didn't get to adopt in October. I think about them and dream about them. Want to know a secret? When laying down to sleep at night, I used to allow myself to think about my fantasy adoption. Like, what would happen if we got a call to adopt twins? I would think about the names for them, about how we would tell our families and the world. I would let myself dream about it, and then it happened. We did get that call. We did live out those three weeks where I was flying high and walking it out. We did choose names, we did put together a nursery, we did plan the surprise for our parents.

Now I don't know what to dream about.

I mean, it is NOT really my fantasy to adopt triplets, which might seem like the only thing that could top twins. Triplets is one baby tooooo much (although, let me say, if the agency called and had triplets, I'm sure we'd take them. ) So I don't want to dream about triplets.

Dreaming about adopting one baby just doesn't seem like enough. In reality, it is what will happen. We will be matched with a mother having one baby and I know I'll be excited, thrilled, jubilant, amazed and grateful for the baby placed in my arms.

Today on the drive home it was raining and I felt like crying and letting it out. Letting go of all my hopes and dreams for those girls and trying to move forward in a positive way. Last year I wrote a prayer journal, and while I haven't bought one for 2012 yet, I hope to continue that practice. On New Year's Eve, Charlie and I attended an hour long prayer service at our church, and I wanted to focus on bringing in the new year the right way. I made a list of people and topics I wanted to pray for and did so. There were times when it was emotional, times when it seemed REALLY quiet in there, and times when I just felt peaceful.

I continue to want to move forward, but be thankful for what I have in front of me. There has been family drama the last couple of weeks, and while it isn't between me and Charlie, it has made us grateful for each other in many ways

Here's hoping that 2012 will bring us more togetherness, a baby, and an outlook that is filled with the love of Christ.

goodbye, bad memories

2012-01-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are in another year and I don't know exactly what to say about it. In my mind, I think that 2011 was really horrible to me, but that's because all I can remember about it is that we didn't get the twins. I lost babies in 2011, just like in 2009. But, in 2011 I also got a new job and my husband took me on a cruise. We began renovations on the attic bedroom and bonus room, doing it on a slow pace that matches how we can afford it.

Yes, I know good things happened in 2011 and I have posted about this before. I need to look on the bright side.

The photo above shows us in progress on what would have been the nursery for the twins. We switched our larger guest room with our smaller nursery to accommodate two babies. We painted the nursery a coffee color, and kept the white furniture we already had, planning on adding an additional crib once we brought the babies home. We are pretty much prepared for a baby at this point, having been excited twice and done little bits of shopping both times. We're ready.

The nursery is more put together than this photo shows, but because I was putting up curtains when we were interrupted by the phone call from Jennifer saying she was going to parent the twins, I never took more photos. I promise I will, because we have a really great rug in there now, and some great turquoise curtains on curtain rods I installed myself (no husband necessary!)

I've also read two posts lately that I feel the need to comment on, one by All You Who Hope about feeling scared to try to get pregnant again and feeling guilty about wanting more children when there are some of us out here still waiting to add to our families. My opinion on this, and my comment to her, was that no one needs to worry about wanting more children in regards to this blogger. It isn't that I don't want others to have children, it's that I want them TOO. And I hope this opinion is shared by other "waiters" out there. Thankfully, there is a God in heaven who fills my heart up with joy for other women, taking away most of the sorrow of being childless. There are only small moments where I cry and whine and whimper, and most are in the privacy of my own home

The second post was at A Familiar Path, talking about friendship and the desire to say "no" most of the time to invitations from friends. She was talking about being a homebody, not minding having people over, but often shunning invitations to go other places. I get like this sometimes, just wanting to crawl into a cave and have alone time, but my thoughts about friendship were more on the "who" front. And how to choose good friends. And how to nurture "couple" friends. I have so many thoughts on this, it might branch out into a whole post. While it seems so easy to have friends, like marriage it takes work to be a good friend. More on that when I can organize my thoughts.

I wish you all a Happy New Year. For those who are waiting, like Charlie and I, I pray that 2012 will be the year of adoption miracles.

Onward and upward, right?

Christmas 2011

2011-12-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas 2011 has come and gone and has been wonderful. Charlie and I really showered the love on each other and there were presents popping up almost everyday for the last week. This excessive present giving has lead to a whole bunch of furniture rearranging and cleaning and the dogs are now really confused about where everything is located!

We did something different this year and celebrated Christmas Eve with his family then spent Christmas Day with my mom. We had church Christmas morning and then had lunch with her and opened presents, then went home and opened presents with each other.

One silly thing was that Charlie bought me the Harry Potter Lego PS3 game and it is really fun! Normally I'm not a game player, so having something we can play together and I don't die all the time is great. We can play together, but we're not playing AGAINST each other. That's key.

Well, I hope that you all had a great holiday!

I'm in a mood

2011-12-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

I know this season brings out the wonder and joy in so many, but I sit here mourning all this things that this holiday season was supposed to bring. I've been fine, I've been busy, I've been too crazed with the everyday-ness of life to really dwell on it. But then, I popped around a few blogs today and it all came rushing back to me: how we're still waiting.

And I wonder if the twins are okay and if their mother will take them to church on Christmas or if they'll get presents. I walk past the room that should have been theirs and wilt. The room is half finished, waiting for yet another match to spur us into action and changes to make it fit the new match. When our case worker visited a few weeks back, I showed her the new nursery and although it has coffee colored walls and turquoise curtains, the accents are pink. The clothes I have are pink. We were ready.

I don't know how to move forward.

So, I'm probably supposed to write something inspiration here. About how I know that God's timing is the right timing and how I know that He's used us in a powerful way in the life of the family we met this last time. And maybe about how I'll just live life while I wait and enjoy all these couple things that Charlie and I can do while it's just the two of us.

Bah humbug. I want a baby.

I ache. I cry. I pray.

What's a girl to do?

I could tell you about all the things going on at school or all the things at home or the Christmas shopping or deck building or attic renovations, and I will, but this is an adoption blog with NO adoption. Sheesh. I wish I had more to give you right now, but I'm all out of hope at this moment.

So, let's sum it up, shall we?

I'm in a mood.

a bunch of something

2011-11-25T17:55:00.001-08:00

So, there's progress on the house, and we actually have a deck attached but I don't have pics of it. We've enjoyed sitting up on the deck during this unseasonably warm November we've been having, even though there isn't any railing yet. It's a little scary, but the breeze is wonderful and the stars are beautiful. I've also kept myself occupied with dreaming of what might be in the new bedroom.

Yes, we're moving along with the renovation upstairs, but I'm dreaming a year ahead or so when I can sit in a bathtub and read a book and listen to Sara Bareilles and relax. I'm going to get passed this time period of construction and live in my blissfully designed master suited.

Here are a couple other things:

I celebrated my 35th birthday on Sunday and managed to get through it by buying a new pair of black boots and not looking into the nursery and feeling like I've just entered the "high risk" category.
We bought our Christmas tree today and I love the smell. Love it!
School is going really well and I'm loving the kids, my classroom, and the school.
We're hosting a gingerbread house building party for some friends from church and I'm excited about it. We had some friends do this years ago and we loved it, and have decided to host one ourselves.
I've put a food processor on my list for Christmas.
I've put a massage gift card on my Christmas list.
Charlie wants a Shop Vac and outdoor garden heater and he bought them both today, so I guess my shopping is already done.
I ordered our Christmas cards today and had to say goodbye to the dream of sending ones with a baby in them this year. Another year gone.

emotions on the ebb

2011-11-07T16:33:00.000-08:00

The past week or so has actually been pretty good, emotion-wise. I've been sick, so congested and miserable that I missed a day of work, but the fact that I haven't been able to dwell on our adoption loss has been a good thing. I'm thankful that each day brings something to make me smile and if I stay busy I don't think to much about it. Sometimes.

ps. I love this photo of my Phoebe's paws...isn't she dainty?

The truth is, of course, that this time of year is hard on us still waiting adoptive parents, thinking of all that could be and should be and isn't yet. My birthday is coming up and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas, and we had all sorts of plans for the twins. There were ornaments I saw in a store that said "baby's first Christmas," and there were Halloween outfits that we liked and baby announcements that I thought were cute, and a mostly finished nursery that we walk past everyday.

Our case worker is coming for a visit next week and I thrilled about seeing her for a more social kind of visit. We're going to have dinner and chat and visit and hang out. I'm glad to see her have a more relaxed time. We've been with our agency long enough that we really have bonded with them, and they've seen us through all these peaks and valleys.

Hope all is doing well with each of you and that you aren't dreading these next couple of months and dealing with the holidays empty handed.

healing by proxy

2011-10-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

So healing comes in different ways, I guess. For me, I would love to run away and take a cruise and let the hurt wash over me while I stare at a sunset and read a book. I like to let my thoughts marinate and settle in and become part of me as I cry and process and work through it.

My husband likes a project.

Not that he doesn't feel it, but he doesn't work through it the same way I do. He thinks while he does. He digs in, gets something done and feels more accomplished coming out the other side.

And the roof ripped off my house.

We have an attic that runs the length of our house and we've always wanted to renovate it. We have stairs and there are two windows up there and it's a great space for a master bedroom and bonus room. When we finally got a contractor out here to look at it, he suggested raising the roof on a 20 foot section to give us normal ceiling height for the bedroom portion (on the back of the house, only.) So we did. The big space in the middle is for french doors.

This project will probably take the better part of a year or so, since we like to pay as we go and will do some of it ourselves. And, not knowing if an adoption will pop up during that time also makes us want to spend our money wisely and not bury ourselves in debt. But it is in motion and that helps.

Also, thank you to those of you who have been praying for us. This one has been hard to navigate and I broke down at church on Sunday and cried so hard my bra was damp in spots. I want to be a mother so badly and I am surrounded by pregnant women and young mothers and I just want to be part of it. I scribble in my prayer journal each day and ask that God show his might and miraculous power by bringing an adoption to our door. Please join me in this prayer.

time to tell the truth

2011-10-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this by saying this story does not end well.

The day of open house at my new school, I got in the car to drive home and had a message from our case worker, Josi. I called back and she wanted me to call when I was with Charlie so she could talk to us once. OK. So I got home fast.

We called and Josi wanted to tell us about a birth mom who was due at the end of September and was having twin girls. She shared some more details and asked if we were on board. The birth mom (I'll call her Jennifer) wanted to meet us and talk. Of course, we said yes. So exciting. TWIN GIRLS. TWINS! I mean, I was thrilled. Nervous, but thrilled. We already had girl stuff, we had lots of girl name options and we were ready financially.

We met her once at the office and another time had dinner with her. We thought she was funny, sweet, a little immature, open and honestly intending to place the babies. She shared with us how sad she was to place them, but that she wanted them to have a good life and grow up in a church and with lots of family around. She loved our minivan, thought we were fun, and really wanted the girls to have a father. The birth father had already signed off and was on board. He liked our profile and thought we were a great choice.

The babies were due at the end of September, but ended up being delivered on September 17th. The agency called us and said that Jennifer had been asking when they would call us and let us know. Her parents were there and the birth father and his mom, and they were all calling the babies the names WE chose. They were telling the staff that the babies were being placed for adoption. Everyone was calm and good.

We sent flowers the next morning then went to church and praised God. We were going to be parents in about a week, after the waiting period here in NC. We went home after church to work on the room (we had switched our guest room with the nursery in anticipation of needing two cribs) and waited all afternoon for the call that she had signed the paper.

She would not sign.

They made her call us. She said she hadn't been able to sleep well and had decided that she was going to be a single mom.

There is more to the story about what a bad situation she is living in, her lack of job and her other kids, but it is too much to tell and since it didn't end up well anyway, I don't feel the need to share all of it. I just know that I've now lived through another failed match and it hurts.

This one is different that the other one, because I felt really calm about it unlike our first match. I was getting ready and planning and praying and trusting and knowing it would all work out. Everyone was caught off guard when she changed her mind. The birth father was shocked and a little angry.

So now, here we are again waiting for another match and knowing that this time of year is slow adoption wise. We've been praying that if it is God's will for these girls to be ours, he will move the mountains in the way. We've also been praying that our adoption agency will be flooded with phone calls, over and above what they can handle.

So, that's the truth about the last month and a half. I can't believe it's been almost a month since the twins were born and they would have been here and we would be planning the coming holidays as parents. Sigh. We're trying to move past it and move forward, but every now and then it gets me that it fell apart AGAIN. Arrrrggggghhhhh. I can't think about it at times, and other times it is all I can think about.

Thanks for listening...

some great moments from this year...

2011-10-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

On our cruise in April

Phoebe's nose...so sweet

From the Figure Skating Nationals in January

Mandy and I getting ready to make homemade ravioli!

Leaves from the Farmer's Market

Love these orange flowers...

Mandy's new baby, Caleb. I took some newborn shots two weeks ago.

This is how the husband butched up the minivan.

Elisa's wedding

Jewelry project that I made, and I just like the photo.

Lucy loves to look out the window....

Just so you know I'm not sad and moody and thinking about babies all the time. There are some good and wonderful moments in my life, and many I capture on film (well, on megapixels.) I wanted to share some things that made me smile from the ten months of this year we call 2011. There are still two and a half months to go, and I'm looking forward to seeing whatever else happens.

the climb feels endless

2011-10-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

I took this photo when we were in NYC two summers ago and I love the way the glass reflects the sky and the building almost disappears. There's just something interesting about it to me, where the building meets the sky and I like the kind-of-magic of it. Yeah. I'm weird like that. I think this is a magic photo. I mean, I could climb all the steps to the top, but where I can't see the building, is it really there? What if I got all the way up there and the building just faded away? Or, what if I got all the way up there and the stairs suddenly dropped off?

Anyway, there's something about it that makes me sad. It feels like our adoption journey...within my grasp but almost mystical. Like, we've gone all this way up the stairs and the penthouse is just fading away. Like the part where I bring a baby home is mystical and mythical and out of my reach.

Yes, I'm sad. We've just been in a place where I think things are looking up but we're really still in the same place. My mom reminded me that a waiting time is a trusting time and I know I'm being stretched right now, but I feel like I'm being stretched too thin.

The pages of my prayer journal have been filled with my longings to be a mommy and raise a child to his glory. I've written about it so much this last year and the words seem repetitive and trite. I wish I had something different to say, but I'm trying to keep positive and continue praying and trusting.

Thanks for all of you who continue to pray for us. Thanks to all of you who keep your eyes and ears open for an adoption possibility for us. I hope that this road is shorter rather than longer, and our journey's end is soon. I hope that someday soon my arms will be full and our nursery will be needed. I wish that I didn't sound so hopeless, but there are days when the climb feels endless.

We're Number 1

2011-09-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

I talked with our case worker at the agency yesterday, and asked her if we were the longest waiting couple they had now. We've been waiting almost three years (it will be 3 years at Thanksgiving) and have been disappointed many times, with the one big failed match. She said that one couple ended up pregnant, one adopted embryos and now we were waiting the longest. We're officially first on their list.

Such winners, aren't we? :) It really doesn't mean much.

I mean, everyone loves our profile book, and they've had women in that match our profile, but before they've gotten to the match stage, they decide to parent.

I've had lots of conversations with God this year, and many in the past couple of weeks, about how Charlie and I need him to move the mountains out of our way in order to adopt a child. We can't do this without him, and even though I like to look at adoption postings, and talk to our case worker, and network with you all, the actual signing of the papers by a birth mom will have to be orchestrated by our heavenly father.

The only bonus of being first on the list, is that if they get a birth mother in that does not want to choose parents, and she is in our program, then we will be matched. That doesn't happen often, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

Also, our case worker also reported that this time of year is generally slow for them.

So, I've been praying that our agency would experience a boon of calls, and that God would help me keep me calm, patient and glorifying him. These years have been long, and short at the same time. I know it is stupid, but I'm haunted by our Christmas cards. I thought for sure that this year we'd be sending out a family picture, instead of just the picture of the two of us. And I know there is still time for it to happen, and I'm trying to trust, but it is hard.

the new job

2011-09-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

Let me just tell you that I'm loving my new job and it is taking up so much of my time. In a way that uses my mind all day long and leaves me tired at the end of the day and not wanting to write. It's good. I'm thrilled that I've been given this job and am loving my classroom and the kids and the other teachers. The time is passing by so quickly and I've already been there a month!

Each day I see kids in grades K-5 and I'm still getting used to seeing that kind of age range and switching my strategies up with each grade level. It's taking all my mental faculties and at the end of the day I'm kind of a pile of mush. So, I'm typing this to you on Saturday night at 10:22 and I don't have much to say.

My house is a complete and total mess right now, because a project involving changing the hall bath sink vanity and toilet became changing the guest room into the nursery and the nursery into the guest room. This involved paint and a new rug and some crafts that I have yet to do. And some fabric shopping that might get done tomorrow and who knows what else.

Ok, so, that's the confession from this tired blogger girl, but tired does not mean that I'm not in a good mood. I am. I want you to know that I'm feeling good about this new job and am so thankful that the Lord was with me this year as I searched for a new job. So thankful.

introducing the word "might"

2011-09-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of days, I've been thinking about the word "might." As in, adopting a baby might happen someday. There are just some days it feels like it won't ever happen, and there are some days I feel so hopeful and confident that it must be right around the corner. But it's been almost three years. And there are times when it just seems so impossible. Why would a woman choose to give up her baby? It's such an incredibly, almost unfathomable idea, for a woman to give her child to someone else. But I know it happens all the time, it just hasn't happened to use yet.
For those of you who've adopted, especially those of you with long waits, was there ever a point where you just felt like giving up? When you wanted to throw in the towel and ask your agency to stop showing your profile? Don't get me wrong, that's not exactly where I'm at, but there are times when I'm just so tired of waiting for the phone to ring. And I'm scared that if we get matched again, it will fall apart again.

It's all wrapped up in fear, isn't it? Sigh.

But then I think about God's "might," and how the intricacies of this situation are not beyond his control. The growth of my family, the addition of children, will come at his choosing, in his timing.

I continue to pray, I continue to dream, I continue to hope. I choose to submit to his will and let him lead us down the path to our family.

so many prayers

2011-09-04T17:33:00.001-07:00

Since I've been keeping my prayer journal this year, I've really started to notice the suffering that is all around us everyday. It isn't that I pray for everyone I know everyday, because most days there is something on my heart that I write about. Other days, I just think of everyone who needs prayer and write a list in my book.

Here is the list I wrote recently:

Lord, please bless and heal:

Donna and Cameron (we lost Uncle Roy to cancer in July)
Crystal, Kaitlyn and Kyleigh (in the loss of Dennis to suicide in May)
a friend from work struggling with depression and mental illness
a blogger friend who lost her husband
another friend who lost his father in July
a friend from church with breast cancer
our adoption agency
any birth mothers that they are working with who are placing their babies for adoption
the students at my school who live in poverty
Charlie's grandmother who is in her last months of life
Charlie and I as we try to patiently wait for a baby
all you bloggers waiting to be pregnant or adopt babies

Long list, huh?

Some days I fill up my pages with longing for a baby. Some days I plead on the behalf of others. I've been praying a lot for our adoption agency and any women they are working with, asking that the Lord touch them and comfort them in this time of decision. There is so much pain and grief out there and I can't pray for it all, but I try to cover my little corner of the world.

If there is something you want me to pray for, just let me know and I'll fit you in! I'm happy to include you in my prayers.

grace for the good girl

2011-09-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

This is my buddy, Emily. We've known each other for ten years and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. We met at my first teaching job, when I was an art teacher and she was a sign language interpreter. The student she interpreted for liked to take art classes, so Emily was in my classroom for part of the day each day for two years. We planned her wedding in my classroom! You may also know Emily, from her blog Chatting at the Sky.

Emily and I have similar tastes in many things. We both have ministry employed husbands, we've used the same paint colors in our houses, we love Friends and Gilmore Girls and Mimi's Cafe and Harry Potter. She has a great laugh, and is about the best listener I've ever met. She is a person I can cry on, and have. She's a person who can hold your deepest secret and not judge you. And now she's written a book. A book many of you should read.

I don't want to get into where her idea for the book came from (because when you read it, you'll get it) but suffice it so say, as I read her book chapter by chapter, I came apart. What she's talking about, being freed from the idea that we're trying hard for other PEOPLE, is amazingly the place that many of us find ourselves. She writes about how we, as women, tend to be who people want us to be, instead of being ourselves. We mold our idea of ourselves around what others need. I soooo do that. But it's not me. Trying so hard to be the good girl has defined my image of myself and reading her words have helped me let go of that idea.

The book is available on Amazon and at Barnes and Nobles and is both conversational and inspiring. I think you'll be able to relate to it and find it helpful. And....there are a couple pages in there about me! Emily asked her friends to share stories of how hiding behind this image has played out in our lives, and we did. It is odd seeing my story in print, but kind of cool at the same time.

So, if you're looking for something to use as a Bible study, this is a great option and has a study guide in the back.

random updates

2011-08-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

Today is Sunday and I've been able to rest my mind a little over the weekend and restore a little balance to my frenzied mind. We've been talking about tackling a few home renovation projects and then one project has led to another idea and then we end up talking about switching our guest room with our nursery. Who know what we'll end up doing, but if we switch the rooms around, then I get to do a little decorating. And, of course, I love that. So, I've been looking at paint swatches.

We also went to the grocery store today and I'll be doing some cooking later. Lettuce wraps for dinner.

Let's just say that I like to cook. I do. I love to be in the kitchen creating meals. I actually love to grocery shop too, and today Charlie and I went together. Sometimes I like that and sometimes I don't. Today it was pretty enjoyable. I like having him with me because then I'm able to get what he wants, but I have a system of shopping and he messes with that a little bit. His preference is to get all the cold things last, which I agree makes sense, but the store isn't really planned that way and to do that you end up crisscrossing around the store. I work from one end to the other and don't stress about the cold items.

We also had dinner out last night with my friend Emily, who has a book coming out on Thursday. She hosted a big group of people that had helped her with the book, and coincidentally the people at our table were all linked to adoption in some manner. One couple was in the home study stage, we're in the waiting stage and the other couple works in the adoption field. It was a fun and lively group and we all enjoyed getting to know one another. It was great fun to celebrate Emily's first book and also talk adoption with other people who get it! (more about the book later this week.)

So, for now I hope you all are well, having survived Hurricane Irene. We got three sprinkles of rain yesterday and some wind and that was it!

Yes, I'm here...

2011-08-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know that I am still here and extremely busy! I accepted a new job at an elementary school teaching art and have been busy trying to get my classroom pulled together, lessons planned and meet all the new people. I know I've been missing around here for a while, but I've been keeping up with your blogs and checking in on you. Please forgive me if I'm not prolific in my posting over the next couple of weeks, as I get back into the swing of things. The first couple of weeks of school (as many of you know) are certainly tiring and in the evenings I might not be inclined to get out my computer and share my life.

Plus, I try not to talk a lot about my job on my blog. It's just not a good idea.

Here are a couple quick takes for you:

My mom picked apples on Saturday and then we made pies. Charlie was thrilled.
As a gift for my new job, Charlie bought me a Cricut! It's purple.
I think I've decided to get an iPhone.
I got new glasses today. They're purple.
Do you see that purple is a theme here?
I need to get off of here and type up my lesson plans, but I'm sharing with you!
We're planning on adding a deck/carport to the side of our house, but have to file for a variance due to the proximity of the property line.
Oh...I've been watching episodes of Criminal Minds and James Van Der Beek (aka, Dawson from Dawson's Creek) played a veeeeeeerrrry creepy serial killer. Interesting to see him as something else.
I currently have pink sheets on my bed. They make me happy and Charlie doesn't care.
I'm getting a pedicure next week...I think.

Well, that's the news from around here. Hope all is well with you all out there in Blogland!

last weekend

2011-08-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, last weekend was hot and it was a challenge to be outside on Sunday afternoon. Charlie and his siblings were throwing a 40th anniversary BBQ for their parents, but only a few of us were brave enough to actually eat outside.

We clustered up in the shade, had fans going and wear in as few layers of clothes as possible.

The kids wanted ice cream cones, and they came outside to eat with us, but the ice cream was melting so fast and they didn't know where to lick. It was all over their hands and then Cheyenne bit the bottom off her cone and she had it dripping from both top and bottom. Eventually, she stuck a finger up the bottom to stop the dripping. LOL.

The heat drove us all back inside pretty quickly, but a fun time was had by all.

Happy 40th anniversary, Tim and Judy!

little boy blue

2011-07-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some shots from a baby shower I threw last weekend. For a baby boy, obviously. LOL.

Enjoy!

two years and counting....

2011-07-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

Last week the agency called and I talked to one of the case workers. I was excited when the number came up on my cell phone, but quickly understood that it was not "the call" like I hoped and was just some questions. Questions I didn't know how to answer right away.

They had a birth mother coming in and wanted to show our profile, but there was one hitch. The BM was requesting that the adoptive family had a stay at home mom for at least three years. I told Lori (case worker) that I didn't know. It certainly wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility, but that I would have to talk to Charlie and let her know.

Charlie and I talked about it that night over dinner, and since he is the one who does our finances, he knows the truth. There isn't a way we could pay for the adoption and me stay home. It was sad to talk about. He asked if they could show our profile anyway, but I know they won't show profiles unless they match what the BM has requested. That way there isn't any pressure. I wish they could have shown our profile. Sigh.

I asked the other day on Facebook if all the mothers out there would still think about getting pregnant if it took two and a half years. Most said yes, but they did agreed it was a long time. I think most of us have written a post or two about waiting and what it is like and what happens when our friends have babies and pass us by and how that hurts some times. I threw a baby shower this weekend and was happy to do it, and didn't think about it much until someone wandered into the fully decorated nursery and wondered about our non-present baby. Yeah, the one that we're still waiting for...

It's hard to talk about with strangers sometimes, because they ask questions that I've answered hundreds of times. They are intrigued and interested about adoption and they think we've just started, and then I start talking and they realize that even though I'm upbeat, this process is really emotional, stressful, expensive and full of ups and downs.

So, that's the update from here. Again, if anyone has any tips/suggestions/advice let me know!

Adoption Q and A

2011-07-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

Grace in My Heart posted this adoption questionnaire and while most of the people who've answered it have actually adopted, I thought I would answer what I could. Helps me to think back about this journey.

1. How did you know when to begin the adoption process?
After about two years of TTC and having it not work over and over, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, who said, "don't you think it's time to move on?" I had been longing to move on for a while, but kept on trying because adoption is more expensive than an insurance covered natural birth. Stupid reason, really, because I have always wanted to adopt and talked about it with Charlie when we were dating.

2. Did you ever feel like you failed at TTC (and were giving up "trying") so that's why you adopted? What suggestions do you have for those working through these emotions?
I didn't feel like that, really. I was ready to have the burden off me. Adoption takes it out of my hands (and body). I was tired of the pills, the temperatures, etc. I always knew I wanted children, but was never wanted to give birth. Plus, I have a bladder condition that would have been greatly irritated by pregnancy. See, for me, I have always seen adoption as the way my children would come. I know, I'm weird.

I felt more like a failure when our first match fell through, like I had done something wrong and that was why she decided to parent. I know that was not my fault, but it was really hard at the time.

3. Were you and your husband on the same page about adoption? What suggestions do you have for a spouse who may not be as excited as the other about adoption?
Because we had talked about the possible problems I might have conceiving when we were dating, Charlie was fine with adopting as long as we tried to conceive first. His desire was mostly out of financial practicality. Once I said I was ready to move on, he agreed. My suggestions, though, are to keep talking and expose your husband to adoption where you can.

4. How did you work through figuring out where to adopt from, how open to be, and what type of communication to have with your child's birthparents?
I originally thought we would adopt from overseas, but in the end we were drawn to our small, Christian agency. I had even made this chart with all the countries listed, costs, type of trip required and such, but then my husband said he'd like to try domestic, so we prayed about it and went looking for an agency. They were the ones who talked with us about openness, although we haven't had to really deal with that much, yet.

5. Adoption can be really expensive. What recommendations do you have to work through the financial aspect of it all?
It does seem that the more money you have, the faster adoptions happen, and I hate that about it. But, that said: Save, save, save. Have a couple credit cards. Save some more. Do the research on grants and find out if your job has adoption benefits. Then let go and let God worry about it.

6. Do you truly feel like a mother even though you didn't give birth? If you've never been pregnant, do you feel like you missed out on this experience?
I can't say much to this one yet, but the things I think about missing are the ultrasounds, because those always look so emotional and fun on TV, and baby showers with my big belly. But I'll still have a shower, it's just the baby will be there too!

7. What prayers and/or books do you recommend for those discerning whether or not to pursue adoption?
I didn't read to much about it, just talked to a couple of people in our church that adopted. They were super helpful and willing to talk about their journeys.

Hope this helped someone, anyone. Adoption is a long road for some and a short path for others.

a season in the valley

2011-07-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

This week has been kind of heavy, in that way that dark emotions can bring you to your knees. It seems that this season of our lives is destined to be one where we are walking in the valleys, not on the mountaintops. Two things have come together to create this heaviness, and while different, they are strangely the same.

It may take a while to explain.

I think I have said before that I was honored to be on a field trip to the Kennedy Space Center the day of the Challenger launch that forever changed space exploration. It was a confusing and odd day, in that I was in the fourth grade and not well acquainted with the concept of horrific accidents or God's Will or death, at all. My mom says I didn't understand until they starting televising images from the funerals of the astronauts, who were fathers and mothers and had left behind little children.

The children. That's what made me get it, made me grasp it, internalize it and let out the grief.

And they meet me here again.

This week my husband's uncle passed away from Leukemia, the very same thing that took my father. The family spent time in the hospital with Uncle Roy (who was 49) sitting with him, chatting, sharing these last moments. Roy's 11 year old son, would alternately smile and then climb up on the bed with his father. Roy passed early Thursday morning.

Again, I am touched by this fatherless child.

Friday morning dawned a new day, one of history making importance...the last shuttle launch. Not that NASA won't send anything else into space, or that we will stop exploring, or that we've given up on learning what's out there, but that they've decided to retire the shuttle. To most people this wouldn't be anything big, but I've been surprised by how sad this makes me. They showed the launch on TV, and I'm teared up. I checked out some articles on CNN and I'm getting nostalgic for that day. Sheesh, there was even a shuttle launch seen in Transformers 3 and I was getting misty eyed.

I don't know why it has affected me so, but if future space launches aren't as beautiful, as awe inspiring or as majestic as the space shuttle over the Atlantic, future generations will have missed out on something special. And for us who have been witness to a live launch, it is a memory to behold. I wish I had seen a different launch, one where we could have watched it in the sky until it was only a tiny speck on the horizon and then taken out tour of the Space Center. But I, and my other classmates, have been witness to a larger piece of history.

In this weird week, where the last piece of our history with Roy was met by the last piece of history with the space shuttle, where two tragedies leave behind children, I am left with what can only be described as a melancholy mood. Time will heal it, for sure, but for Roy's son and all other fatherless children, the wound is deeper.

It has been that kind of season.

adoption un-update

2011-06-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

There isn't much to say, or tell, or write about right now. Well, except for the conversation I had with our case worker, who told me I have all the bases covered when it comes to finding an adoption situation and that I need to sit back and let God handle it.

Telling this to a "gotta get it done kind-of girl" is just not what I wanted to hear.

It is hard. To let go. And let God.

She did say that domestic adoptions had been down this year but that everyone seems to be seeing a rise in calls and visits in the past couple of months. She said to keep praying that the calls turn into decisions turn into matches.

So, that's the update. All I got for you right now.

no summer vacation

2011-06-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well. This is the first year that I'll be working a 9 to 5 job all summer instead of having my standard 8 week vacation. It's odd. I know every other industry except education works all year long, and people get by, and it's normal, and I shouldn't whine, but for my working career I've had summers off.

I did take a week of vacation in April, and it was a glorious, peaceful week. The cruise. My laid back with a little adventure, book reading cruise. It was fantastic, but I wish that I was going to have more down time this summer. It's not gonna happen. Gotta get used to it.

I'm so grateful that I have a job, and that should be the point. End of sentence.

I'm so grateful I have my sweet husband. He is wonderful. End of sentence.

And I don't know when we will be parents, but I'm hopeful that will happen. I don't know any more about the birth mothers that our agency had in mind for us, other than some things have happened and they have missed meetings. As it is in adoption, what is urgent often takes weeks to play out. You send something off one day, plan and hope and the baby is already born and then back to square one when they choose someone else. Sheesh. I really don't want to again renew our home study and it seems like we just finished it in December, but December will be here just as quickly. Just as quickly as the two years have gone by since the failed adoption.

So, here I sit, thinking of a nice quiet summer, and knowing I'll be back in the office tomorrow.

Sigh.

when it isn't natural

2011-06-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve been living in this weird place lately, where I think of my friend Dennis and grieve his death and am hurt and angry and lost in the corners of my mind, but then the next minute I’m back in my life full of dogs and adoption and my husband and shrubs to plant. The busy-ness of the day to day often take me out of the sadness, but I know, for Crystal, she is there always, minute by minute. I visited her today, and we had a good laugh, in between some very serious moments. The life God gives us is like a kaleidoscope, ever turning. If we are smart, we point it toward him, the light, and see the beauty in all of it, but many times we look down and miss so much of what he has to offer.

I’ve made it a point recently to look up, worship him in my sadness, praise him for the life I have, and focus on his presence and peace. I haven't always been so dedicated in my devotions or prayer life, but for the past few months, I've kept a prayer journal. It helps me remember what the prayer needs are around me. You know, we do this thing, and I'm guilty of it too, where we say, "I'm praying for you," and then we promptly forget about it. Or we say, "You're in my thoughts and prayers." And though many of you are strangers and you wouldn't know if I was or wasn't praying for you, I feel as though I shouldn't say it if I'm not going to do it. Thus, began the prayer journal. If I say I'm praying for you, then I have written it down in my journal to remember.

Many of my prayers lately have been focused around Crystal and her daughters. Any woman who loses her husband is certainly to be showed sympathy, but we are only in our 30s, and she has young kids, and that makes it more difficult. They don't understand his death. Heck, we adults don't understand his death, completely. I don't think I shared before that Dennis took his own life. It's scary to type out here...in black and white for people to see. There must have been pain and fear and a feeling of overwhelming confusion for him to carry it out, and we don't understand it all.

I can't wrap my mind around it.

But I know God will bring us through it.

I'm giving all my sadness to him, all my hurt and grief and confusion. I'm praising him and his will and trusting that he has the plan. I don't understand why an adoption hasn't worked out for us yet. I don't understand why Crystal is left lonely. And I'm not meant to understand right now. I'm meant to trust and worship and give him my faith.

It isn't easy. The tears still come. The selfishness comes out. I want, I need, I can't have.

Little by little, he's working in me, and on me. I trust that we will know his purpose. I trust that I will be a mother. I trust that Crystal will be taken care of in this life, and Dennis in the next. I am working in worship, prayer and clinging to the Jesus who has given himself as my savior. In the past month, he has drawn me to him, with ever so subtle tethers. Little by little.

Dealing with things that aren't natural go against the grain of who we are as people. It would be natural for me to get pregnant and have children, but my children will come in what some might consider an un-natural way. It would be natural for Dennis to grow old with his wife and children, but it is not to be. When life isn't linear, we struggle.

Thank God, he is the one that is SUPERnatural. Beyond what we can comprehend, understand, compute, relate to or explain. I can take a breath, let him flow in and fill me.

I can look up, let the kaleidoscope turn, and know the beauty of his love. And I hope you can too.

under the weather

2011-06-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been much to talk about over the last three days. Charlie has been working on landscaping in our front yard and I've been a little under the weather. I slipped in our kitchen on water from the dogs and although I caught myself before I fell down completely, I twisted my neck a little bit. Friday morning I woke up with horrible neck ache and headache and was feeling sick.

All weekend I've been in a little bit of pain and we've been trying to get some yard stuff done. I managed to weed one of the beds, but Charlie has done 99% of the work. Today I also just rested and tomorrow I need to go back to work.

Adoption-wise, I talked with our case manager on Friday and the birth moms that were supposed to come in have not managed to come in for profile reviews yet. They both have personal stuff going on and have not made appointments. I'm praying that they will both come in and be able to make the decision to place. I pray that we might be the right parents for a baby, but at this point, while I'm not feeling good, I'm not optimistic.

I might be later, but I am not right now.

Well, I hope you all had a good weekend.

it hasn't been 24 hours

2011-06-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

It started last night about 9pm with an adoption situation that was a "stork drop." Baby girl born on the 30th, needs family, send home study immediately.

So I emailed and asked and got a response that the situation was still available, and it was on. It was in the price range, the factors seemed to be lining up. Oh, and I should mention that Charlie was at the grocery store while I was doing all this. When he came home, I told him what was going on, and Lord, bless him, he has a hard time with these "jump" situations. He just can't compute. He started asking me all these questions, most of them that I had already answered and well...

Well, the story isn't about getting frustrated at 11:30 at night with your husband.

Anyway, I scanned and sent our home study and profile booklet this morning, then waited on pins and needles. They wanted to be able to grant custody to adoptive parents today, and this baby was in Texas, so if it was going to be us, we would need to get on a plane. At 12:30.

At 10, I emailed and asked if they got it. No response.

At 11, I asked again and said if they wanted us to come we needed to know now. No response.

At 12:30, I figured it was over, and then they emailed and asked for my phone number and I was hopeful again. The woman said the director would call me shortly after 1.

By 3, no one had called and I was wondering what happened. The birth mother was supposed to sign at 4.

At 3:30 or so, I got an email that they had chosen someone else.

Bummer.

All of this happening at work, by the way. I was trying to be productive all the while thinking about flying to Texas, what we'd need for 10 days, who I'd need to call to stay with the dogs, what I'd need to pack for the baby, etc. It's a wonder I got anything done.

I was also praying all day. Lord, let me hear your voice.

I'm disappointed, but getting better at being disappointed because that is really all I have known in adoption so far. I'm used to it. When I went to talk to my HR director to let her know I might be running out of the office to get on a plane, just in case, I told her what would probably happen would be I would get an email that they had chosen someone else. And that is exactly what happened.

Someday.

look who came to visit

2011-05-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all this funeral stuff lately, many of us college friends took the time to visit. I already had lunch scheduled with my friend Laura and it ended up including another friend as well. And Laura's daughter, A. Isn't she sweet?

She is quite the flirt with the camera, and with Charlie!

I can't remember what made her laugh, but the expression is wonderful!

Love it! We had a good time reminiscing and remembering Dennis, all while being entertained by A.

Knocked Down

2011-05-28T11:22:00.002-07:00

Ever feel like this?

I don't know for sure that one of the birth moms picked someone else, but I know the other one put off her meeting. When I called the agency the other day they said they had just been looking at our profile in preparation for meeting with her after memorial day. They said to keep praying because she wasn't 100% sure about placing the baby.

I felt like I'd been knocked on my butt again.

It seems like so many around the blogosphere are getting matched or getting babies and even though we've got all these feelers out there, nothing seems to be panning out. I was just in the nursery, putting something in the closet, looking at all the stuff in there that's just waiting to be used. Most of it is over two years old. I'm sure half the safety standards on carseats, strollers and cribs have changed since we bought that stuff! LOL. Anyway, I said to God "I'd like this stuff to be used soon. Okay?" My own little conversations with God go like that.

Anyway, not much else to report. It's been a productive day in that I've gotten half the house cleaned, spray painted some more frames for my dining room wall and am getting ready to hang them up. I'll show pics when I get them arranged to my liking. And we're having friends over for dinner, so that should be fun. I've been on a roll kicking Charlie's butt in Scrabble.

And the song "My Wish" from Rascal Flatts makes me cry each time. And it just came on Pandora while I'm typing this. Such an awesome song. And half the time I sing it as a prayer for people I know.

Well, am thinking of all of you. Happy Weekend.

Elisa and Josh

2011-05-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

The bright spot in my week was a lovely wedding we went to yesterday. Josh and Elisa were married at 4:30 yesterday afternoon in a very personal and HOT wedding.

go away tears

2011-05-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sad.

So sad.

The memorial was last night and it was beautiful and horrible and wonderful all at the same time.

And I'm so tired. And cried out. But I'm sure there are more tears in there.

So, although I know this post isn't much, I'm writing to say I'm here and I'm grieving and I'm trying to move on and help Crystal with her kids, housework, grocery shopping, and whatever else there might be.

But I'm still sad and that isn't going to go away anytime soon.

horrible weekend

2011-05-15T16:39:00.001-07:00

All last week I was on pins and needles for a call from our adoption agency. One that I never got, by the way. I did, however, get the kind of call no one ever wants.

It was one of those "are you with people?" calls.

An "are you sitting down?" call.

A call so bad that my cubicle mates started giving me looks as I started bawling.

A friend of mine from college, Dennis Foster, had died, suddenly. He was in my class, an education major like me, a fellow resident assistant, a man with ambitions, and a man who had the biggest crush on another education major, Crystal.

Fast forward almost ten years and Dennis and Crystal have two daughters and a lovely home. She's a teacher and he's a principal of a local elementary school. They were at my wedding. I've hosted her baby showers, we get pedicures together, he cooked black eyed peas for my momma on New Year's Day.

And now he's gone.

And I'm sad.

I've spent time with Crystal this weekend, as she makes funeral arrangements and consoles her daughters and deals with some of her own health problems. I've cried with her, for her, for him and for those of us left reeling by this death. She has screamed at the heavens, wailing and wanting it all to be just some story about other people. But it is not.

There is so much pain wrapped up in this situation and this morning at church I worshipped and cried through most of it, praising the God who gives and takes away. All weekend, I've been whispering "Jesus, be with us in this place."

So, prayers for my friend Crystal and her two daughters. This is going to be a hard road for them to travel.

the farmer's market

2011-05-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to keep my mind off other, more adoption-related topics, I'm going to tell you about a recent outing. No, nothing else has happened. We don't have any news. So...

A couple of weeks ago, Charlie, my Mom and I went to the Farmer's market. I took my camera along and had some fun! Don't know what all the plants are, but thought they were pretty.

Something purple!

Charlie and I went around and around and tasted all the strawberries at each different stand, and then went back to this stand to buy. They were the best, although they were covered in sand. We brought them home and while I was outside reading at the patio table, Charlie went in and washed them all and hulled them! He had no idea that you didn't wash them until you were going to eat them, and I didn't understand why he thought cutting off the "handle" was helpful. LOL. Seriously, folks, it was a gallon of strawberries that we then had to eat in about three days.

Pretty flower. Orange one.

The wide view.

Multi-colored marigolds! There was a whole table of them and they were so beautiful!

more information * updated**

2011-05-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

*** Our case manager sent me an email today letting me know that the birth mother had to reschedule, so the meeting will not be on Thursday. Now I am back to not knowing when it is and that is fine with me! ****

Well, our case manager sent me an email today and let me know that one of the birth mothers is coming in on Thursday and then she is attending an adoption fair on Friday. I already knew about the adoption fair, but I didn't know when the birth mother was coming. Actually, I kind of wish I didn't know, because I know that I will be tense all day that day, hoping the phone will ring.

So, anyway, while I don't want to be pessimistic about this, I don't want to get excited either. I just want to be going about my normal day and not checking my phone a million times, which is what I predict will happen Thursday.

Thank you for all your prayers so far and keep them coming. Even if we do get a match, we've also been down that road before and it didn't end well. Pray that I will keep it together and that I won't be nervous the rest of the week. Okay?

And Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there!

shhhh, can you hear it?

2011-05-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

A whisper of an adoption possibility came along today. Our case manager called and said they are meeting with two birth mothers next week that me our profile and that she thought one might be a good match for us.

I got excited, I can't lie about that. Then, realistic me, stomped down on that excitement and realized that it can all fall through and I can't control it and that we need lots of prayer.

Please pray that these women will stand firm in their commitment to choose life and adoption.

Please pray that we will remain calm and comforted in this time of waiting. Let us live life.

Please pray that if we are the best match for either of this women, they will be drawn to our awesome profile!

Okay? Get on it.

almost princess kate

2011-05-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

Oh. The wedding. It was beautiful and all that, and I've watched it twice and enjoyed it both times and wasn't she pretty and that DRESS was magnificent, and.......

What would it be like to wake up one day in a country where marrying the prince is actually possible? I mean, it is a FAIRY TALE for us Americans, because we don't live in a monarchy. (And yes, I know about Wallis Simpson, but come on.) I mean, Kate was born around the time of Prince William, so that narrows it down a little, and then ends up at the same college and same dorm. Circled narrowed even further. I mean, one day you work for your parents and the next day you are married to the prince, have the Queen as a grandmother, and in your lifetime you could be QUEEEEEEEN? I mean, it boggles me a little.

Plus, the girl seems really nice and I like her taste and William seems to love her.

Sigh.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

photographing children

2011-04-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

I was in charge of taking family photos on Easter. Well, I'm normally in charge of taking family photos cause I love my camera, but taking pictures of kid just isn't easy. They never look at the camera all at the same time.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B, although, don't you love the bunny ears?

Exhibit C

Exhibit D (not looking and crankiness)

And this one didn't want to wear his bunny ears on TOP of his head....no.

She's smiling, but not looking at the camera.

We had a great time, and I think I got a couple shots that were good, but I also have many, many that are quite comical. Hope you got a smile!

Easter Egg

2011-04-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Glitter Easter Eggs. Way fun. Way glittering. Big Mess.
But a family tradition. My mom and I dyed eggs on Friday.

Good Friday Fun brought to you way late. Sorry.

the destination

2011-04-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

We walked across a gangway and all of a sudden there was no need to cook or clean or worry about the destination. There was only a need to rest, relax, have alone time and well, think about a shower once a day. There was no mapquest or GPS telling you "recalculating," no husband asking you what that sign said as you whizzed past it at 75 mph, and you were reading anyway, not looking at road signs. It was not a time of "hurry up" or "I need that report by 3" or dogs barking or the stresses of every day. It was a time of peace and quiet and food and fun and a little bit of adventure. It was a time to trust that the captain knew his route and would get us there safely. And we did. We easily trusted that Captain Whateverhisnamewas would get us there and back.

Why can't I trust God like that?

Why shouldn't I treat everyday as a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean?

Why shouldn't I believe that my life is captained by a God who knows the route and will get me there safely? He mapped out the world eons ago and knows every road, creek, state line, ocean current and curve of the earth. He formed our world like a potter with clay, and gently forms our lives the same way. Why shouldn't I rest, relax and know that he has my world in his hands? I trusted Captain Whateverhisnamewas (he was from Norway, so I'm sure he was a good sailor) with my life for seven days after only a cursory, required life boat drill. Where no one explained how I was going to get INTO that lifeboat, by the way... I digress.

Yes, I play a part in my life. I'm not just some automaton programmed to exist, but if I continually seek him, I should be able to let him steer the ship. His route is the safest. The one with the least storms. I know life isn't without the occasional squall and rainstorm, but the lack of faith on my part is MY weakness. I waffle. I waiver. I WHINE.

So, my prayer for today is to let him continue to flood my heart with faith. He knows what I am asking for, and although I will continue to ask for it, I will continue to seek more of a relationship with my Lord. I will be quiet to hear his voice. I will rest and let him take control. I will try. By his grace I will continue to draw closer to his will.

He knows when my family will grow. He'll be the one to grow it.

He knows the destination. I get caught up in so many little things, and miss the big picture sometimes. I ask "why don't I have a baby?" and miss the fact that in first four months of this year I saw the US Figure Skating Championships, went on a cruise, and went to see Cirque de Soleil. Three things I've always wanted to do, and sometimes all I can see is the empty nursery. 2011 has been good to me so far.

He knows the destination. He knows the course. He will get me there and back safely.

If I cross the gangway and put my trust in him.

Anchors Away.

my backyard is a blooming...

2011-04-20T18:05:00.000-07:00

I wish the tree looked like this all year long.

I wish it had a smell like a carnation, though, since it looks like one.

My back yard is in bloom. The dogwoods are blooming and my Kwaanzan Cherry is showing off its pink, fluffy blossoms.

I think it is interesting that dogwood blossoms have those brown edges. It adds a unique aspect to the look of the flower.

Lovely.

See, aren't these pretty? I love how this photo turned out. The contrast of the light pink with the darkness of the background.

now meet Phoebe

2011-04-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

Phoebe is the Alpha dog in our house. She doesn't like cameras either, but isn't as bad as Lucy. And she is really photogenic, except for when I need to use the flash. She has blue eyes and they look really strange if the flash is on.

She also likes to chew on things. ANYTHING. Bones, birds, bamboo.

She likes her paws and gives herself hotspots. Thus, the cone of shame. She looks happy though, doesn't she?

Taking a rest.

She loves to give kisses. She loves to give kisses. She loves to give kisses.

Phoebe is such a sweet dog, but she is certainly in charge. She calls the shots and will sometimes position herself in front of Lucy. It is quite comical.

She is a picky eater and has a sensitive stomach. She howls at fire trucks and sirens, and Lucy tries to sing along. She is stealthy and will attack the small animals in our yard and has caught several unlucky birds and squirrels. She loves to ride in the car and get so excited if you start to take off her collar (with our invisible fence, if the collar comes off, the dogs know they are going for a ride.) She does a dance.

That's our Phoebe.

my Lucy...

2011-04-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

Getting a good picture of Lucy is kind of hard, because she is the submissive dog in our house. She doesn't like to look us straight in the eye, and usually averts her eyes if I hold the camera up in front of my face. See the exhibits below:

Turned to the left...

Won't look up...

Looks down...

Using the zoom lens, she wasn't aware that I was even there...

Ooops, she caught me and looked away.

so my husband up and took me on a cruise...

2011-04-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

Charlie surprised me with a cruise to Cozumel, Belize, Guatemala and Key West. Here are some highlights:

sunset viewed from our balcony

pulling into the port in Guatemala (we didn't get off the boat here)

The food, of course...

the flamingos in Key West, FL

the Southernmost Point in the continental US, Key West

shopping in Cozumel

the atrium on our boat

leaving Key West

Cozumel

our favorite place to eat on the ship

in front of cafe in Key West

spring reminds me

2011-03-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year and the color of the sunlight. I love that the trees are budding and it is getting warmer and spring is around the corner. I caught this sunset last night.

Right now I am surrounded by memories of two years ago. This weekend two years ago I got the call that matched us to a birth mother and baby. I remember jumping around and screeching into the phone to Charlie that we were going to have a baby girl. He brought me flowers. We went baby shopping that weekend. We register a couple weeks later. We went and met the birth mother and had lunch with her. We dreamed and planned and picked out a name.

And then, six short weeks later, it was over.

This time of year, the renewal after the cold winter, reminds me that the impossible is possible. That the dream is not dead. That my turn will come soon. That we will again be choosing names, buying clothes and telling people about our match. About our baby. Someday I will get to have a baby shower instead of be the one who plans them (which I am good at and love to do, don't get me wrong.)

Motherhood is coming, spring tells me.

PS. I prayed for all of you IFers yesterday, that all our dreams would come true in whatever manner you dream, be it adopting or conceiving.

the highs and the lows

2011-03-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

As a woman who wants to have children, but can't have children, our adoption can always find its way into conversation. It's a safe topic for random people at church or old friends to ask about, although lately I haven't had much to say. I find that I don't mind talking about it either, much like expectant moms might like to talk about being pregnant. Most people are generally respectful of our privacy, while being interested in the process as a whole. I'm sure you've experienced this as well.

I will say that there are times when I run into people (women, mostly) who aren't sure what to say and often come up with what I like to call "Well-intentioned-but-way-off-based" comments, or WIBWOB. The wib-wob conversation goes like this:

Sissy: "Yes, we're waiting to adopt a baby, and we've been waiting for two years now."

Wib-wobber: "Well, you could have spent the last two years changing poopy diapers, just be thankful for that."

What exactly does that mean?

Does the Wib-wobber mean that my someday adopted child won't poo their diapers? And if so, where do I get this fictional child? LOL.

Is it because I can't have children that people think we should be thankful to avoid all the hard things about raising children, as if we won't someday have to live through them anyway? Hardships come with raising children, as does a loss of my selfish, independent lifestyle and the introduction of cleaning up vomit at three a.m. But there is so much love that comes with having children, whether through my womb or through adoption. Love that I don't want to miss out on, even if I do have to drive the carpool and pack lunches and be a disciplinarian. You take the highs with the lows.

All this to say that my husband's brother and his wife are currently experiencing the lows of parenting. My sweet and adorable nephew Harrison, who is three, is currently in the hospital with a dangerously low platelet count. The doctors are working on it and trying to figure out the diagnosis, but he is all bruised and bloodshot and not really enjoying the six hour blood transfusion they performed today. Craig and Crystal are doing as well as can be expected, dealing with this sudden illness, that only seemed to prevent itself over the weekend. We were planning on going up there tonight to visit, but Crystal ended up telling us to skip it because Harrison was just so irritated by the transfusion that more excitement would make it worse. And Harrison LOOOOOOOVES his Uncle Charlie and probably wouldn't have been calm, which he would need to be with a needle in his arm. So, no visit.

I hope you can take a moment to send up a prayer for Harrison, and ask the Lord to completely touch his little body and make him whole. Ask our all powerful Healer to soothe every bruise and restore every platelet. I would appreciate it more than anything!

my very own blog award

2011-03-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

Alena at A Little Bit of Wonderful gave me The Incredibly Sweet Blog Award. Nice, huh? I am quite incredibly sweet, right? LOL.

The rules require me to post four guilty pleasures, so here goes.

1. Shoes. Oh, shoes. Totally love shoes. And I am a tall girl, so I love flats. Sparkly ones, shiny ones, all sorts of ones. My husband has a problem with all my shoes. In fact, he often makes me give up a pair if I want to buy a new one. There is only so much room in our closet and I like shoes. In fact, all I did was pull this image off the internet, but I'm wondering where I can find the third pair from the top.

2. Jelly beans. Now, not the jellybelly ones, but the traditionally flavored ones that you can buy around Easter. CAN totally eat bags of them.

3. Harry Potter. I love the books, the movies, and the souvenirs. I have a music box and a scarf and all the movies. One day I will get to Universal Studios to the Harry Potter Wizarding World.

4. OMG, do I love a down comforter. LOVE THEM. I had one when I was single and introduced my husband to them when we got married. I love to snuggle down in one and the fact that it isn't heavy and is squishy and I can use it all year round. I am addicted. It's a problem.

I'm supposed to nominate other people, but I never do that. Sorry. If you were hoping to get yourself nominated, I'm sorry. You are totally welcome to post four guilty pleasures if you want to, and in fact, I would love to hear about your guilty pleasures. Please, share!

valentine's roses

2011-03-12T18:15:00.000-08:00

The roses Charlie gave me for Valentine's Day were all dried on the outside, but when I popped the bloom off the stem, the petals were still soft underneath. They smelled so good. I pulled them apart today, out on the patio and took some pictures. I love the creamy pink beauty of these roses.

we got dumped by Foster Care

2011-03-09T17:33:00.001-08:00

Last night we attended the first class of foster care licensing. And last class of foster care licensing.

About 45 minutes into the class, Charlie raised his hand and asked what would happen if we ended up getting a placement from our adoption agency. Would we need to stop the classes, or postpone them until the baby was older?

Bad news. The social worker told us that the we can't work with both a private adoption agency and a public foster care agency. Some state statute or something. Anyway, when there was a break we ended up leaving. There seemed to be no point.

We kind of laughed it off last night, but this morning I was really sad about it. I even cried a little bit, sitting in my cubicle. It just seemed like this would be another possibility, but the reality is we'd have to leave our agency to do it. And we don't want to do that.

So, another door closed. I guess more closed doors just means we have to be getting closer to the open one, right?

the green-eyed monster prayer

2011-03-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord,

I am jealous. Let me confess my jealousy to you and allow you to work within me.

Work within my spirit and work on those feelings. Allow me to know the contentment that comes from you.

Give me your peace and your comfort and heal my heart of these emotions.

Amen.

It's short and it isn't pretty. But it is real.

waiting for the sun

2011-02-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

There are days when a prospective adoptive parent just feels discouraged. Like today. When it has been more than two years and you are still waiting and the last adoption situation you inquired about was $46, 250 (waaaaaayyyyy out of reach.)

Discouraged. Of course, it doesn't help that it was pouring down rain today, which doesn't add to anyone's good mood. Rain, go away.

Lately I've been feeling more hopeful that our baby is coming soon, and I think I mentioned that we just bought a minivan. It was just fate, I think. I mean, I'd always planned to get one once we had kids, but when the worlds collided and everything worked out perfectly for us to get one now, I was thrilled. It was the right price with the right features and is a lovely silvery-gold color (technically called Silver Pearl Metallic.) And the carseat will fit perfectly and we'll have lots of room. Now just need the baby!

I think I posted in December about some kids from our church that we were spending time with, and lest you think we are adopting them, let me update you. We have pulled back a little bit. We pitched in and gave them some time and love and support, but God has firmly told us NO about adopting them. I constantly carried a uncomfortable-ness in the pit of my stomach when considering that option, and I was never given peace about it. It felt too much like we were trying to force something that was not meant to be.

Our church is offering a foster-care licensing class starting next week, and we are signed up. Don't know that we will end up fostering, but I do think that it will be an interesting class.

Well, that is the update from this neck of the woods. Not too much to say. We are updating our profile and have had some interesting things cross our radar, but nothing that has turned out. We keep praying.

Talk to you soon!

what do you show?

2011-02-16T15:53:00.000-08:00

In the fall we updated our home study, but we didn't update our profile book. I finally thought about it the other day and called the agency and talked to our social worker about it. She agreed that we should update the book, to include any changes that have happened in the past two years.

Well, certainly. Much has changed. The twins and Harrison were just babies when we applied to the agency. I was teaching library. The family has grown and we've made so many new memories, and I've taken thousands of pictures.

But, how do you know what to include? What would you include?

Family?
Friends?
House?
Pets?
Church?

How do you know what a birth mother needs to see in order for her to feel comfortable choosing you to raise her child? What will help her decide if you are the ones?

Before, our agency said the our book shows well and that they would tell us if mothers made comments about it, or make suggestions on what we should edit. But, I'd love opinions from you all out there, as well. I know we aren't supposed to include things that could allow the mothers to place where we work, live, and hang out.

And, doesn't it seem like we get all excited about a possible situation, only to have it just fizzle out? You know, you get this email, or a phone call and you ask for all the details and the fees. Then, typically, you have a hurried conversation with your husband, and then either agree to have your profile shown or not. Then you say, OK. Then you wait. And wait. And you think about baby names and traveling to get there and should you share the possibility with people or not? And there isn't any information forthcoming from the people in the know, or in the case of our referral agency, she can't get any information from the agency who was reaching out for more adoptive parents.

Then, nothing. They choose someone else and all the hurry up is suddenly over. All the imagining and wondering and excitement is over until it happens again.

Sigh.

there is no news (UPDATE)

2011-02-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

Update: We got word today that the situation we submitted ourselves for (an unknown gender baby due in May) was matched with another family. There is still one "maybe" out there, so we'll see what happens. And, in a random twist, we ended up buying a minivan last week because my husband's car is on the way out and we came across a steal of a deal. So, now I am all ready with a carseat, a diaper bag, a crib, and a minivan. All we need is the baby!

One of the presents I got for Christmas was this awesome diamond (fake) ring from my husband. While it isn't any everyday ring by any means, it was great for a wedding we recently attended. I received many compliments from other ladies at the reception and I ended up staring at it for a while.

I set up my tripod when I got home and took this lovely and oh-so-stylish photo of the ring. And my giant hand. And the intensely bright sunlight.

But I love it.

In other news, there is no news. We haven't heard anything about the situation we submitted our booklet for and in the other situation, the two weeks should be up soon and maybe we'll hear something about the 8 month old. I talked to the referral woman today and I asked her how long they typically give the birth mothers to make a decision about adoptive parents. She said that they won't rush anyone and I totally agree with that, but I want to know about her choice! Even if it isn't us, I want to know!

So, keep praying for us. Keep praying for us! Please!

eat, pray, sleep

2011-02-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

Some people run on five to six hours of sleep a night. This would describe my husband pretty well, although he usually does get an hour while we watch tv a night, since he tends to fall asleep on the couch a lot. But, that amount of sleep seems to work for him. It would not work for me.

I can't function when I don't sleep.

I get sick when I don't sleep.

I cry when I don't sleep.

When I took a group of 14 high school girls to Italy and we had late nights and early mornings and I was the person responsible for them, there was a moment in the middle of the trip where I had a mini-meltdown. I sat by a fountain at the bottom of the Spanish Steps in Rome and drank a bottle of water and cried.

This is not my picture, of course, but picture me sitting on the ceramic ring that surrounds the fountain.

I sat there, with a book that I bought in the foreign language of the Italian bookstore, and had myself a little cry. We went back to the hotel and I went to bed early. The extra sleep helped. I was in the most beautiful place on earth and I was so tired.

This weekend I attended the figure skating championships that were here in Greensboro and it meant two late nights. In between, my husband hosted his fantasy football team here for their celebration and awards and that meant a late night. Plus, waiting to hear about these two situations has stressed me somewhat, and in the middle of all of it we bought a car, since my husband's needed more work than it was worth.

So, yeah, the sleep patterns have been messed up.

And then I ate something that didn't agree with me.

And then I got overheated this morning.

Sick. Tears. Emotions and stress.

The good news is that I stayed home today and got some sleep. Hopefully, I will also sleep tonight. That would be great.

The emotions that run through my mind keep me awake. I want to shut them up. I sing myself worship songs and talk to God and lay there. Pray for me please.

my weekend

2011-01-30T18:04:00.000-08:00

These are some pictures from the US Figure Skating Championships that I attended this weekend here in Greensboro. I posted a whole bunch of pictures and more of the story on my other blog Out on a Limb.

Scott Hamilton and Sandra Bezic

It was a wonderful experience and if you enjoy skating, I think you will love the other post I wrote.

ps. Don't have any updates on the situations. Will let you know when I do!

adoption situations...possibilities

2011-01-26T15:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's the situation. We have had two possible adoption situations this week, and they are still up in the air, so no decisions have been made yet.

Situation 1: One of the adoption referral networks that I belong to had a situation for a baby due in May that was in the range of fees we could afford, so I asked a couple of questions and we decided to have our profile submitted. We do not know the gender of the baby. The birth mother is looking at profiles on Friday, but we don't know when she will make the decision.

Situation 2: The children's pastor at our church, Sherri, has a mom who is a foster parent and is connected with other foster parents. One of the other mom's she is in contact with is fostering an 8 month old baby girl in a bad situation. The courts are considering terminating the parental rights. We said we were very interested, but this could be a long process.

So, prayers would be appreciated and we would love to have another match. One that leads to a baby in our arms and house!

TCIE, I know you are praying for us, keep it up! (and thank you!)

calming down

2011-01-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

So, my last post was quite a pot-stirrer, I guess, and I expected that it would be when I wrote it. I'm not surprised in the least by that, and I handled the snarky comments better than I thought I would. Thanks to those of you who emailed me your support and lovely words. It meant a lot.

On Saturday we attended a wedding reception and then had a night out with two other couples. It was a fun day. I even got to sleep in on Saturday morning, which I love to do. Slow Saturday mornings are the best.

The wedding was for two friends that actually got married in Tacoma, Washington on New Year's Day, but the bride is a hometown girl and they held a reception here. It was a really neat reception, with some very personal details. The father of the bride spoke for a while, and then the bride and groom spoke. Because no one really knew the groom, he talked about his growing up and how he and the bride dated and how he really tried to win her over. We all laughed and ate and celebrated their marriage. We had a good time.

I happened to have my camera with me and took a couple of shots of the cake. This one was one of my favorites, and the purple theme they had could have been tacky, but was really well done. It was one of the best receptions I'd been to in a while.

Other than that, my weekend was pretty laid back. We talked adoption a lot, with people at the wedding and out at dinner. We tend to get asked a lot of questions about when will finally get our baby, and we don't know the answer to that. God does. Maybe he'll let us in on that soon. Randomly, today I found a baby book we bought that gives advice on newborn care. Of course, there are so many conflicting pieces of advice about babies, but I've always been a girl who likes to be well prepared. I spent a little time reading it today, although who knows when it might come in handy. I laugh on occasion when new moms look at me, after I've given some piece of advice that I've read in a book, when the just don't believe I should know these things. LOL. I've read all the same books they have, I just don't have a baby!

Soon, hopefully, soon.

my world in his hands

2011-01-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a long road to this year called 2011. When I think back to how Charlie and I used to debate would it be "three years before we had kids" or "five years before we had kids," I just shake my head. What did we know? Absolutely nothing. I thought we might have trouble, but I didn't know what kind. Then we thought the Clomid would work, but it didn't. It worked for four other friends I have, but not for me.

Then, I stopped trying and Charlie and I had this monumental conversation, where I said I was ready to adopt. To my shock and awe, he said he was ready too. So we did all this research and chose our agency, and everything just clicked. We loved them. We love their mission and their compassion for the women. It was the place; they were the people.

Then, quickly, we were matched and just as quickly it fell apart. All within about 7 weeks.

In May it will be two years since the adoption fell apart and so I called the agency today to check in and see if they were busy. And they are getting calls and things are happening, but then she said she had gone to a meeting of social workers the other day and "adoptions are down across the board." Sigh.

Sometimes I think it won't ever happen. You know how because you've never been something, it's easy to believe it won't happen? Like, I've never been an actress, so I won't ever win an Academy Award. That makes sense. I've never been a parent, so that won't ever happen either.

But my husband, sweet, sweet husband. He always talks me through it. We talked in the car today and he said he had been thinking the other day that he was glad we were being so patient. That we weren't forcing it. He is normally the impatient one, who can't stand waiting in lines or driving behind someone slow, but in this he is just very calm. Collected. He's the rock in this adoption thing.

It's hard to believe that one day it will be my day. That I will be the one posting about my new son or daughter, and people will be congratulating me and stopping reading my blog cause all I post about is the baby. LOL. It could happen.

Today, sitting in my cubicle, with praise music on my iPod, I said a few prayers and just asked God to find that baby that needs a family and bring the situation to us. I asked for him to make us a family. The song on the iPod was "healer." The lyrics "nothing is impossible, you hold my world in your hands" really just hit home while I was prayer. A baby is not impossible. Not to my big, strong God, who holds my whole life together.

What are your adoption fears?

homemade ravioli

2011-01-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

One of the Christmas presents I received was a book called the Encyclopedia of Cooking. It is a textbook-like cookbooks with tons of pictures and recipes and chapters on everything from sauces, to eggs, to meat, to pasta. One of the recipes that interested me most was homemade ravioli. It looked simple enough, but required a pasta roller. I said a quick Facebook plea for permission to borrow one from someone, anyone and my friend Bethany had one to loan me. Yes!

Next I invited my friend Mandy and her husband over for dinner. I knew Mandy would be totally in to helping make pasta, since she is a great cook. She was thrilled to try it, too. We made the filling first, then made the pasta dough.

Rolling the pasta dough was the tricky part. At first the dough seemed to sticky to roll and was coming apart. We dusted it with a little more flour and it was much more smooth. We rolled out all the dough several times and then started putting the filling on it.

You lay the filling down and then brush egg wash on around the filling. Then you lay another sheet on top and seal around the filling. Then we used a biscuit cutter to cut out the ravioli.

Look at how many ravioli this made! I mean, I think the recipe for the dough ended up making 35 ravioli, and each ravioli had a tablespoon of filling inside. (We used a beef filling with ricotta cheese and parsley.)

Lovely ravioli. Lovely, lovely, lovely. It was pretty tasty, too. I also made two kinds of sauces and we had salad and garlic bread, and apple dumplings for dessert.

It was a fun night and we had a blast cooking. And while I will say I was proud it turned out good and tasty, I probably won't make it again. Frozen ravioli is just as good, and takes much less time. I might make pasta noodles again, but the ravioli is just very time consuming.

I was very proud we made it though and that the experiment was successful! The pictures in the cookbook were very helpful and the pasta recipe was easy, just the assembly of it was difficult.

Is there something difficult that you like to make? Tell me all about it, please!

a christmas gift/project for me...

2011-01-12T17:54:00.000-08:00

One thing I put on my Christmas wish list was cool frames for my frame wall. I showed Charlie the kind of frame I liked, and told him not to worry about the color because anything could be painted. I wanted size at least 5 x 7 with chunky edges.

See this box? It contained seven individually wrapped black frames of all sorts of styles and textures. (oh, and don't you love my cute polar bear jammies?)

Now I need to get them all painted and decide what kind of photos will go in each frame. That may be the hardest part of course, deciding who will go in the photos and getting them all the right size. But, now I'm closer to my goal of filling up the wall with photos. Who knows? Maybe my whole dining room will be a family gallery.

winter wonderland

2011-01-11T15:44:00.000-08:00

We are under another blanket of snow and ice here in North Carolina, and this is one of the winters I can remember with a lot of snow. Some years we barely get anything, some years we get 18 inches in two weeks and the town shuts down completely. That was the year 2000 by the way.

Not too much going on around here. We finally took down our Christmas tree and I was sad to see it go. It was a really good tree and still wasn't losing many needles, even though we got it the first week of December. It probably would have lasted a couple more weeks, and I would have loved it, but it was time for the other stuff to come down and the trash was today, so out went the tree. Goodbye, Christmas.

All the schools have been out because of the snow, but now that I work in an office, I had to get up and go in. Charlie said, "Welcome to the real world." I said, "Shut up."

There seems to be a lull all around in the adoption world, and in all the sites I normally check in on. I was praying the other day that this would be our year, but I prayed that last year too, so who knows what will happen. I'll just keep mothering my doggies until it actually happens. We did finally get the official copy of our updated home study last week, so that is signed and sealed and valid for another 18 months. Hooray.

Hmmm....

That's about it for now. Hope you are all well. Oh, I did notice that this blog has 37 followers! That was cool. I mean, I read some blogs that have hundreds and hundreds, but I think I actually know most of you through your own blogs, so that's cool. I talk about my bloggy friends all the time to my husband, and I think he likes that you all are here to support me and listen to my rambling so he doesn't have to! LOL.

Happy Tuesday, my friends.

cookie dude

2011-01-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

We attempted to make cookies.

This is really the only good thing that came out of that night. We got a nice picture of us.

prayer buddy reveal

2011-01-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

I was honored to pray for Teresa at the IF Cross. The thing I love about prayer buddies is that it allows me to focus on someone else and give them my attention. It eases my pain somewhat.

During our Christmas Eve service, my friend Amanda sang a solo while two artists painted pictures on stage. It was amazing, because they only had the time of the song to complete the painting of Madonna and child. I don't even know, can't remember, the song being performed because I was so into the art being created. It was one of the most intriguing things I'd ever seen done at church. I know the song was beautiful, and Amanda's voice is amazing, so the few minutes were lovely.

The image was also lovely, of Mother and Child. There might be a time when that would make me sad, or wistful, but this time it made me hopeful. I don't know what this year will bring, but hopefully I will finish it healthy and happy. My dreams of a child may not come true in 2011, but I pray that I will still be okay with that.

My prayer for Teresa is also a prayer for myself: that we can accept where God has us and be happy in that place.

jewelry project

2010-12-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

Problem: lots of necklaces, all tangled up in my small jewelry box, and laying all over the place.

Available supplies: old window stored in the attic, tacks, glue gun

Purchased supplies: cork board squares

Now: I have decoration for over my dresser and a lovely new way to organize my necklaces. It has become a artwork piece while serving a great purpose. I had the idea and did it while my husband was at work, and when he came home I showed it to him. He was thrilled, because he finds my necklaces all over the place, hanging on whatever I could find. I think I might want to place some scrapbook paper behind the glass, but I haven't decided yet.

Totally love it. Can't really imagine why I waited so long to do it.

images from our christmas...

2010-12-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

The snow started falling about 11:30am on Christmas morning. A white Christmas! Kinda rare in North Carolina. Hope you enjoy these images from our day!

Our house.

Payden opens a present.

Cheyenne opens a present.

Phoebe investigates our gifts.

A wok from my mom!

A scarf I knitted for my mom.

Charlie bakes cookies. Don't you love the apron?

Hope you all had a wonderful day and were able to spend time with your families.

Merry Christmas!

spending time

2010-12-22T17:17:00.000-08:00

I am not sure how much to say about what is going on in our lives right now, because it is one of those things I'm not sure how I feel about. It's hard to put things into words when I'm not exactly sure where I want to land on it. It's confusing.

All I really want to say about it is that we have been spending time with two kids from our church that need a little attention. The parents aren't in the picture and they live with their great-grandmother. Charlie came across the situation a while ago and God really pressed on his heart that these two needed some love.

So we've been spending time. Those are the facts.

Maybe more to come later.

a busy week

2010-12-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

So here's what I've been up to, in photos.

1. Bought and decorated Christmas tree...this is a plastic-made-to-look-like-glass mistletoe ornament. Lovely, huh?

2. Random photography. This happens to be my shower curtain with sunlight coming through it. Just thought it looked cool. It is cool when enlarged, so go on and double click.

3. White dog in extra white snow looks dirty. Two inches of snow and my husky loved it, running around like a puppy.

4. Attempting to get a photo for our Christmas card and really only ended up getting a this random one of me while Charlie was adjusting the camera. I look nice though, I think.

5. Birthday party for three year old nephew Harrison, with a Wow, Wow Wubbzy theme. Lots of toddler and cake.

Busy, busy, busy season. And there is more that I didn't show. But I'm tired and blogger only does five pics at a time, so you'll have to wait for more. We did, however, finish our shopping for the holidays so my husband is wrapping gifts as we speak.

What have you been up to?

Dear Prayer Buddy,

2010-12-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

I want to be in that photo right now. Warm, the sun on my face, away from winter. And I love Christmas, just not winter.

The more you grow up, the more adult you become, you realize that you can't run away from the things that hurt you. The wounds heal, the scars fade, but sometimes the memories take longer to fade.

My dreams get come back to get me. I'll think I've forgotten the sadness, the issues, but at night they come back to me. Then I spend the next day thinking about the world I've left behind, wondering if I haunt them the same way. If my colleagues are thinking about what happened to me, silently asking what I could have done to make the big bosses treat me that way. Maybe, maybe not. Over time, I know these dreams will fade too, but for now they are my companion, a ghostly reminder of what was and what is no more. I dream about the person who took my place, about the people who took it from me. I yell at them, or push them, or in one really random benadryl induced dream, threw a bowl of ice cream at one of them.

I don't mean to say that my life is horrible, or that I'm abused in any way, because I'm not. It's just that I'm not where I thought I would be at this point. I'm not who I intended to be. And notice all those I's. I think I must be where God intended me to be, but it looks different than I imagined. And I'm still hurting. One day I won't be, and I know that.

So, prayer buddy, prayers that would help me to follow God's will and path would be appreciated. Prayers for a child to come soon would be appreciated. Prayers that might spirit will lift would be appreciated.

through the trees

2010-11-29T16:24:00.000-08:00

There are images I store up in my mind, as a virtual scrapbook of happiness ready at a moment's notice. Sunlight through the trees. My father's crooked smile. Long winding roads through the Florida countryside. Lit up Christmas trees in a darkened room.

There are sounds with equal recall power: water rushing down a river, a motorcycle, Jim Brickman piano cds and my niece and nephews laughing.

You know how it feels when the warmth of memories rush back and flood your body, and your fingers tingle and the corners of your eyes are mysteriously wet. All of a sudden, you are transported to the place and time where the love was overflowing and the arms of your loved ones were especially warm.

This is also the feeling of worship.

How precious is the gift of words put to song on a Sunday morning? Well, any morning. Well, any time of the day, thanks to my iPod and some earphones. I am thankful for the whispered words of inspiration given to songwriters who can so eloquently express what it means to be loved by our God and to worship him wholly. Now, my voice is not what you would call beautiful, or even halfway nice, but I worship with enthusiasm.

Hands raised.

Side to side shuffle.

Eyes raised to the sky.

Thanks to a quirk of fate, I sit in the balcony row behind the sound booth, because that is where my husband is on Sundays. At first, I didn't like being out of the crowd. I felt on display. But then I realized that I had more space, which oddly makes it more intimate. Without the crush of the crowd, but with the swell of the music and the flow of the Spirit, my little balcony perch is the perfect place for me to enter into worship.

I am thankful for our worship team and their commitment to the excellence at each service, but I am more thankful to a God who holds my world in his hands. As our pastor said yesterday, sometimes we have to quit whining about where we are and look for God in the spot where he has placed us. My life isn't an accident. Worship him where you are at, and he'll show himself to you.

I've felt broken, but he is my repair.
I've felt alone, but he is always there.

Lift your eyes to the sky and experience the light through the trees. Take a moment and tell him your worries and burdens...release them.

I promise you will feel pounds lighter.

she looks happy...

2010-11-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

Normally when I get out the camera, Phoebe runs away, or at least averts her eyes. Strangely, once we had to put a cone on her to stop her from licking the fur off her paw, she lights up for the camera.

What a happy smile!

This photo freaks Charlie out, but I really love how close she let me get to her face. I tell you, normally she is SHY when it comes to the camera. That's why I normally have pictures of her sleeping.

In reality, she hates the cone and because she is such a big dog, it is a big cone. A really big cone. The first couple of nights, she knocked several things over moving around the house, and now she uses it to push us around too. That part is annoying.

Still, recorded for history, she looks happy in the cone. I will choose to remember this reality.

an ode to dad

2010-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

I've got Sammy out today, as today is Veteran's Day and my dad passed away 13 years ago today. But, instead of being sad for you, I thought I would share some funny things about my dad with you.

Here goes:

My dad ate his buttered popcorn with a spoon, since he didn't like to get his hands greasy.
He named all our dogs Fuzzy. We never had more than one at a time, but they were all named Fuzzy.
He called our Ford Festiva a Ferrari all the time, even though it only had four speeds.
He taught me to drive stick shift.
He introduced me to James Bond, Garrison Keillor, Michael Crichton and the Shadow.
My addiction to magazines comes from my dad.
He drove us from Alaska to Florida in a two door Cadillac the year I was eight.
He collected antique radios and all us kids have one now.
He recorded Dave Letterman every night and we watched the monologue and Top Ten list every morning over breakfast.
When we were kids we had these things called "run-and-hold-you-ups" in which we ran down the hall and jumped into his arms and he held us up over his head. Fancy name, I know.
He would dance with me in the kitchen. He was killer at the twist.
He was 6 foot 6 inches tall.
He loved Grey Poupon.
He wore flannel shirts before they were cool and let me steal them when grunge was cool.
He encouraged Senior skip day.
He laughed like Bill Cosby. He pulled pranks like Bill Cosby.
He loved a La-Z-Boy recliner which I have inherited.
He loved Wendy's Frostys, McDonald's Hamburgers, and pizza with salt and pepper.

He loved me, too. And I miss him.

foster care?

2010-11-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today we went to a meeting about Foster Care and Adoption, hosted by a couple at our church that adopted from Guatemala. It had been on their hearts for a couple of years to connect all of us at our church that our interested in any kind of adoption, whether international, domestic or through the foster care system. Charlie and I thought it was a good idea to attend, and we did.

It was an interesting hodgepodge of information, testimonies, and information from a couple of women in the adoption industry. One from an adoption agency, one from an agency that licenses couples to foster or foster/adopt. There was even one speech from a teenage girl currently in the foster system who was encouraging couples to look at adopting teens. We all wanted to instantly take her home.

It was an emotional lunch and the lady who spoke about fostering is thinking about offering 30 hour course at our church in the new year, that we can take over 10 weeks. I think we are going to do it, not because we are certain we are going to go the foster care route, but because we feel God pushing our hearts to expand. Who knows where it will lead, and I haven't really had time to process all of this with Charlie yet. I came home after the meeting, but he had to stay and work. I went home and curled up with my nook. And some cold medicine. And my doggies.

So, just pray that we will know the will of the Lord and it will be clear to us.

rooting for the wrong side

2010-11-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Only recently I started watching The Good Wife, and I love it. I really like the characters and have been a fan of Josh Charles forever. The premise is very interesting, and something ripped from the headlines. How can the wife of a prominent politician stand by his side when the whole world knows your husband is scum. That he cheated on you, paid for it, and isn't shamed by it.

L to R: Josh Charles, Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth

Now, I'm all about keeping your marriage vows and working through any problems you might have, but if someone's infidelity is splashed around the internet and public media it brings a whole other layer to it. It's not just in your home, it's in EVERYONE'S home.

What to do? Hmmm.

But that isn't the point to my post. The point of this is, I keep rooting for the main character Alicia to leave her husband and get together with the romantic love interest. Her husband is a cheat, obviously, and kind of a shady character, but shouldn't I want her to work it out. I mean, that's what I would recommend to a real life friend. I would want them to at least try and work it out. But on this show, the chemistry is between Alicia and Will, her boss and college boyfriend. There are long pauses, stolen glances, and that one kiss. (If you've seen the show, you know what kiss I'm talking about!)

It is in the writing. I know it is entertainment. It is designed to make you want to root for certain characters. And they know you want to give her a "get out of marriage free" card because her husband cheated on her with prostitutes. And the husband character, although he does profess his love for her, just doesn't seem to get the whole situation. He doesn't understand why his wife doesn't just want to take him back.

So, in this situation, I don't want her to cheat on her husband. I want her to end it and move on to the other guy. I want this because this is television, and not real life. I want this because I have had a crush on Josh Charles for years (remember, I already said that.)

What do you think about television shows that make you wonder what you would do in real life?

pumpkin time!

2010-10-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

This year we went to a local Methodist church and picked out a pumpkin. Normally we go for a squat, short pumpkin, but this year we went for a tall pumpkin. It was very heavy! Very.

The deal was that I was cleaned out the inside and Charlie would design and carve the pumpkin. I did it last year, while Charlie played video games.

The pumpkin really was heavy and Charlie thought it would be lighter when the guts were cleaned out. It wasn't.

Phil and Bethany had a really nice pumpkin too! They carved two really big eyes into their pumpkin.

Charlie carved a smiley vampire pumpkin. It turned out really cute. The candle kept blowing out because the mouth is so big, so we're going to get a battery powered light for it so we can put it on the porch.

A fine time was had by all!

good hair day

2010-10-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

This was the day of the picnic and the weather and hair combined for a great day.

When this happens, it has to be photographed and shared for all.

birthday picnic

2010-10-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we held a birthday picnic for my mother-in-law Judy. It was a fun afternoon and the weather was wonderful. Christal made the cake and it was beautiful. The whole afternoon was a great time with everyone and there were so many laughs, only a few meltdowns and cake crumbs cleaned up by my dog. And spilled juice cleaned up by my dog. She never had such a fun time.

There was patient waiting for cake.

There was cousin helping cousin with a craft activity. Actually, this was after the put the craft together and they decided to take one apart and decorate themselves with it.

There was swinging.

And there was a hot pink iPod for Judy. Happy Birthday!

new growth

2010-10-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

These are the first blades of grass that we planted several weeks ago. Our backyard is very patchy, and Charlie and a friend sprinkled new grass seed and ran that thing over it that digs the holes, whatever it is called. An aerator? I don't know.

They are lovely and green and it is new growth in a time that the rest of nature is preparing to sleep. Pretty cool, huh? I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

vacation options, with pictures

2010-10-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would provide some images to go with the question I asked last week. So many of you said mountains and city, but here are some actual places. Look, and vote in the comments.

A. Lovely (and expensive, I'm sure) mountain cabin.

B. Spa like setting.

C. City view

D. Tahitian over-water villa.

E. Bed and breakfast.

I also just found out that my favorite bed and breakfast has closed down. I'm so sad about it. The woman decided to sell the inn and isn't running it anymore. SO SAD. I'm going to have to find some where else to stay.

unplugged

2010-10-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

My birthday is coming up in November and I was thinking that what I would like is an overnight stay at a hotel with my honey. Yes. Doesn't that sound wonderful? To get away from your life, your dirty dishes, the barking dogs, the laundry, etc.

Don't you just want to unplug?

If you could get away from your daily grind for the weekend, where would you go/do?

on being a girl

2010-10-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

After our social worker left today (more on home study update later) I wanted a some girly time and so I headed to the nearest makeup store, Ulta. I needed some hair junk and some face powder, but that was really an excuse to buy sale cosmetics that were more fun. I also made an appointment to get my hair cut and highlighted on Halloween.

I happen to love the way that the Ulta name is stamped into the eyeshadow. I really, really loved it. I loved it so much that I came home and took pictures of it out in the sunlight. I loved my sparkly lip gloss and my cool new trendy bluegreen nail polish.

See, isn't this the prettiest purple eyeshadow for a smokey eye you've ever seen? Don't you just think the letters stamped into it are wonderful? I guess I'm just all about the aesthetics.

Lovely nail polish. Lovely.

This is when I like being a girl. Clothes may not always fit, but makeup is always friendly and fits.

So, now I am going to watch a movie and paint my nails and relax before Charlie and I babysit our nephew this evening.

sharp edges

2010-10-13T17:12:00.001-07:00

This is a time of jagged edges in my life. The path is not straight. The road is too winding. The trail is uphill.

I'm down in the valley. I'm searching for water.

Do I need anymore metaphors?

Here is the tricky thing about blogs when you are in a bad mood: people with good news only make you feel even more crabby!

Caveat: this is my bad mood and no reflection on your good news.

I wish that my heart was lifted every time I read about someone who finds out they are pregnant or gets "the call" about a baby to adopt. And sometimes it does. But in this season of job loss and adoption home study update, I feel like everyone around me is living a blessed life and I am missing out.

And I know some of the women who get pregnant or adopt babies have been waiting just as long or longer than me, and I know that there are women who will still be waiting AFTER our baby comes along. It's just part of what adoption blogging is...the befores become afters, eventually. And I know that just because I lost my job, and many of the people I worked with have suddenly forgotten me, it isn't really a reflection on me. I wish I had good news.

Oh, I guess I do...it looks like my temp job will become full time soon.

And see? I'm not celebrating it the way I should. Because it isn't the thing I want to celebrate. I want to have a baby in my nursery and a carseat in my car. Or a minivan in my driveway.

I'm in a bad mood.

Sharp edges around here.

And I bite my lip every time I read a blog with adoptive parents waiting for a baby to be born and crossing their fingers that the birthmother will sign the papers. Because I have only had it fall through. I know, one day, when I am here hold my baby, I might be able to offer more comfort to those women, but all I can say is "give it to God and let him handle it."

Sharp edges.

This blog isn't graceful right now, but it is real. This is where I'm at and who I am and in the midst of this season of sharp edges, I'll keep pushing on and muddling through.

Sigh.

i love fall

2010-10-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

I really do like autumn. I like the way that the air cools off, and the way the colors of the leaves are a great contrast to all the green of spring and summer. I love the shapes of the leaves and the way a great wind and the corner of a building can make that whole "Pocahontas" leaf swirl happen. I love the way the sun warms up everything during the day and how the sunset is so dramatic.

I love apple cider and pumpkin pie (with cool whip, of course). I love my birthday, which is in November. I even love this pretend song I made up about turkeys that I sing every Thanksgiving ( Charlie does NOT love the song, btw.)

I love to decorate for fall and Christmas. It's a problem, since I still work part-time at Michaels, and am in the arms of temptation every time I work. Yes, I get a discount, but I don't want to spend my whole paycheck there. I love all the sparkly, jeweled fruits and garlands and leaves and pumpkins. And the store has a curious mix of potpourri and silk flowers that I love. It's smell that I can totally identify with and love.

What do you love about fall?

making the headaches go away

2010-10-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

Headaches have been part of my life since I was a teenager. Around the time my hormones kicked in, the headaches started. Migraines, actually. Throbbing, pounding, behind the eyes headaches. Headaches that make me want to crawl into a hole and lay in the dark and put an ice pack on my head and close out the world.

My dad was a chiropractor and neck adjustments helped immensely. Our family wasn't big on pills and I only rarely took something for my headaches, until I went to college and my dad wasn't available. When he passed away, there went my headache management. During college and after, I just suffered through it. One night, my junior year, it was so bad I had someone take me to the ER. Ugh. Pain in your head isn't something you can escape. It stays with you, it surrounds you.

When I started teaching, one of my students was the daughter of a chiropractor, so I started seeing him and it was great. He adjusted like my dad and was soft spoken and kind.

But we moved and it was a 45 minute drive to see him and so I tried to find another chiropractor. I made a bad choice and saw a guy that was a crook, telling me all sorts of lies about my insurance company. So I didn't really know what to do, but the headaches came back.

I finally saw someone else today. A nice chiropractor who adjusted my neck and made me feel better.

But I got in the car and cried. I called Charlie and told him my appointment went well, and then I cried some more.

He wasn't my dad.

My dad wasn't perfect. My mom could certainly tell you some stories, but he was a great dad and a great chiropractor. He took care of me and made me feel better and rocked me in his lap up until the month before he died. He had a huge heart and loved people. And I know I have told you all of this before, but I was thinking today about how I wasn't there when he died.

I went to college in North Carolina and my parents lived in Florida. I went home in October for fall break and my dad and I had a great weekend. He was in great spirits and was feeling pretty good, and we had some really special moments. We talked and shared and rocked and cried. After I went back to school, he went back into the hospital and we said our goodbyes over the phone. They weren't sure how long the downward spiral would take, and I was a junior in college. He didn't want me to come until it was over. My brothers both visited and stayed with my parents and each had time, and I guess I did too earlier that month. He came home from the hospital and was pretty much out of it for several days, sleeping in a hospital bed in the guest room.

My mom called me on a Monday night and said he wouldn't make it the night. I told her to call no matter what time he left us. By the next morning, she still hadn't called, so I called home. She said he was still hanging on. I told her to go in there and tell him it was time to go home. That he could let go because we would all be okay. He had taken care of us long enough. She called back 20 minutes later...he had gone home.

I think about him when I am at the chiropractor. I think about him when I have car problems. I think about him when I make his special spaghetti recipe. I think about him a lot.

I know that he kept me away out of love. He didn't want me to see him like that, and I appreciate it. I probably wouldn't have handled it well, and I'm sure I would see it over and over again in my memories. The memories I have are happy ones. And my mom has told me the story of sitting with him when he died and it is very emotional.

I guess the point of this is that there are times when the memories just sneak in and get me. I'll be walking along and not thinking about it and then he'll be with me and sometimes it is wonderful and sometimes it is painful. When I watch other people waiting for their parents to die, I grieve for what I know they are about to go through.

This time of year brings those memories about more, since he died on Veteran's Day and it is coming soon. I think about it, dream about him, and miss him. He isn't here for the things I wish he were here for.

He isn't here to make the headaches go away.

when you feel small

2010-09-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

Time passes. All the time. Each moment passes by without giving us the chance to grab it. A blink of an eye can change things. One phone call. One red light. One lost dream. Missed chances. Things unsaid.

The past year has been difficult. This summer was an experiment in the emotional roller coaster that was my old job. August was a time of desperate looking for work while hours and hours were spent at Michaels. The past couple of weeks has been a time of learning at my temp job.

It has been a season in a valley. A season at the bottom. A season thirsty for water that was not offered me.

Ever have the feeling that you are small? So small and below notice? When you stand at the base of a building and stare up at the sky and realize that you are just one small cog in a machine that chugs on everyday?

I am a complex person. An overthinker. A dreamer. A girl with an overactive imagination. I am not simple or easy. My husband says he fell in love with me because I was a girl that was absent of drama, but if he only knew all the crap that bounces around in my head and didn't say, he might have me committed. :) I am not easy. I feel pressured and left behind and under appreciated and like a victim and without courage to face my attackers and I feel small. Wasted.

Looking back two years, when we started down this road to adoption, I felt so hopeful. I felt right in the middle of God's plan. And when our adoption fell apart, I was sad, but I still felt like there was something around the corner. Now it has been more than a year since then and I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to plan or think or keep moving forward. I do know we are updating our home study and the social worker is coming in a couple of weeks.

I feel small.

I want to feel like a mother, but that isn't happening yet.

The world keeps moving around us all, and even in my pain I know that. My self-centered little world is not a bubble, even as much as I wish it might be. My tendency to keep pulling inside and isolate myself isn't a good one, and I've been trying to force myself out of my shell a little. Share a little of myself with people. I'm not always good at it, but I'm trying.

All this rambling is really to say that I'm trying not to be small. I'm trying to let my world get a little bigger, invite more people in. I'm trying. I want to make my world bigger. It's all I can say.

Because my God doesn't ignore small. He works with small all the time. I know in my mind that he will take care of me, but in my heart I'm feeling overwhelmed. I know in my mind that there will come a time when this season will be over, and my thirst will be quenched. I know there is a time when someone will call me mommy. I believe it.

When you feel small, take a breath and puff yourself up and know that you are larger than your problems. You are bigger than the pain. God's love is exponentially bigger than my bubble. For now, I continue to pray through the worry, the butterflies in my stomach and push myself outside my box. I will not let small defeat me. I will not let my bubble be my only world.

Do not let small defeat you.

mystery berry

2010-09-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

These are the mystery berries in my yard. They are in season this time of year and I totally love the purple color, but I have absolutely no clue what they are. They are fun to photograph though.

Anyone have any idea what they are?

tis what season?

2010-09-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

Today I saw the first red leaf on the ground, but when I looked up, the leaves were still green.

Mother Nature hasn't made up her mind yet, because it is still hot here in NC. So hot. I'm wearing shorts and flip flops and we're going to a BBQ later. It is still summer here.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

how did you know?

2010-09-22T16:23:00.001-07:00

Infidelity has been on my mind lately. Not because it happened to me or anyone close to me, but because of several different tv shows we've watched. Who knows why people cheat? And almost anything can be explained away by selfishness and circumstance, and some people cannot deal, and some make it a point to get past it.

I do know that it is a choice. Maybe the choice comes as you slip into that hotel room, or find an excuse to call someone who you have no business calling after hours. It might seem like something you need to do, but in reality, you need to think about the vows or commitments you made and make a different choice. If not for choices, things might be a lot different.

And how do you decide the relationship is worth the getting past the infidelity? I mean, in a marriage, I think you do what you have to do to get past it and move on. You do the work. Now, I've never been faced with this, but I have seen it done. I've also seen the reverse, where infidelity is the deal breaker. Did God give us a deal breaker clause? I don't remember it.

The other night we watched Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carell. And while the movie is silly and funny and an adventure, the best five minutes is at the end when the two characters are sitting in a diner after surviving their horrible night and they share a moment. He looks up at her and says "I would choose you every time." That was quite a moment. A real marriage moment. I thought about my husband and wondered how he ever chose me.

So that brought me around to asking a question. How did you know that the one you married was the one who would be your forever? What made him the one? Was it something you checked off on a list, or something you just felt? With Charlie, I just knew. It was something that grew on me ever so gradually (although quickly, since we only dated a few months.) It was something in the way he held my hand, like he never wanted to let go.

And so, we stood up at our church one July and said the words. The ones millions of people say, but I don't know that everyone knows what they mean. "For better or for worse" means SO much, probably way more than any of us will ever know. There is much encompassed in that statement, and it is what tests us all. The highs are easy, but the lows are where we see the backbone of our partner. Infertility is a deep canyon, and if you can come out the other side with a stronger relationship, consider yourself blessed. Infertility opened up lines of communication and broke down some walls in my marriage. It isn't easy. And you all can testify to that fact.

So, share with me your story. Please.

small details from the bathroom

2010-09-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

These are the knobs on my new bathroom cabinet. I found them on clearance years ago and was using them on my old bathroom cabinet, but saved them for the new one. Well, I was planning on saving them and then Charlie threw out the cabinet doors and I made him go dumpster diving to get them back. I like the fact that they are not only knobs, but have the piece that fits up against the door.

The crackled mirror. I bought a brown mirror from walmart that had a big crack (not in photo) and a chipped corner. I used leftover gray metal spray paint from the chandelier project we did a couple months ago and sprayed it. It looked good, but there wasn't enough paint to get a really good coat. I had some crackle finish for wall paint and decided to try it, so I painted it over the gray and then sprayed it with white, but it didn't crackle. So, I went to Michaels. I knew we carried crackle spray paint and it was on sale, so I got a gold undercoat and a black top coat. Keep in mind that BOTH of these spray paints are designed for crackle. One clearly said base coat and one said crackle top coat. They have several combinations, but I thought the black and gold would look good with my wall color. It was very easy to use and fun to watch how quick it crackles. I do think a good clear coat on top would be good, but that would have made six coats of paint on one mirror!

Here is a close up of the shower curtain. I bought it from Target. I wanted something white and was thinking of something sheer because I don't like to shower in the dark. We do not have a light in the shower and the only light is the one over the sink. Plus, in such a small room I didn't want something too heavy. This shower curtain is plastic, which wasn't my favorite idea, but I loved the print and it seemed soft.

I do have a liner behind it to keep it clean, and I like the way it looks.

I am so happy with the way everything turned out. It is such a pleasure to use the bathroom, even if we couldn't actually add square footage to it. It also gives me some ideas for later on down the road. We do have a new sink vanity and toilet for our hallway bathroom, so that project is next. Well, once we get a little rest from this one. I have already painted and done that bathroom, decorating wise, because it is our guest bathroom and the sink top had been updated at some point since it was not like our master bath sink. The vanity we bought is a dark wood and stands counter height, which will be nice.

Well, that about sums it up, I think. Glad you liked it.

beautiful bathroom

2010-09-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

Remember this bathroom? Straight from the 1960s. Old, dirty, stained.

Old, ugly, stained grout that I scrubbed on my hands and knees.

Cheap, rusty faucet.

Rusted sink with lovely metal rim.

Water damaged cabinet.

Low toilet with huge water tank.

Refinishing the tub with the epoxy paint.

AND, NOW.... Pretty bathroom.

Neutral color (Gobi desert from Behr, Home Depot). Spa like shower curtain with white leaves.

New faucet.

Discounted mirror from wal-mart that I crackle painted. We bought a mirror and when we pulled it out of the cardboard corner packaging, the edges were cracked and broken. We didn't have the receipt so I bought some crackle spray paint from Micheals (gold base coat, black top coat.) I love the way it turned out.

I love the new cabinet top, as the sink is a little smaller than the old one and it gives me a little more counter space. I'm very excited to have a little more area to set things down, like my makeup bag.

I found a luxurious bathroom mat at Wally World ( I couldn't believe how thick and nice it was for the price) and so now my feet will be comfy in the mornings. We still need to get a matching hand towel ring that goes with the towel bar and such, but we'll get that when we have more money. I haven't hung anything on the walls to decorate yet, since we don't have much wall space. I have room over the shower curtain and over my towel bar, but that is pretty much it except for the area by the door, but I'll need something really shallow since it is a walkway.

So, do you like how it turned out? I love it. When I finally got to use the new shower, Charlie found me in there talking to the shower head, telling it how much I missed it. :)

my cute niece

2010-09-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

This lovely holiday weekend we attended a 90th birthday celebration for Charlie's grandmother, Virginia. Charlie's mother asked me to take pictures at the party, and I was all ready to, but my camera battery started blinking as soon as I turned it on. Seems Charlie had taken pictures the other day and returned my camera to the bag with it turned on.

I got a couple of pictures of the crowd, including this one of Jessica and Cheyenne (my niece). Aren 't they cute?

The party was nice and I think Grandma enjoyed it. It was kind of a surprise party, but we didn't shout "surprise" or anything. We didn't want to scare her or anything, seeing as she is 90. The whole family was there and although I had never been to the rest home where she lives (she's only been there a few months) and it was lovely. More like a hotel than a nursing home. My mom was with us too, and she really liked the look of the place. We were joking that she has picked out a new home for when she's older.

My temp job is going well, although it is only day 2. I am learning quite a bit about new computer systems, which I like. I like to learn new things.

Okay. That's my update for you. I know it is sad and skimpy and not really full of information. Our bathroom is almost finished, so I will have more pictures of the remodel soon. Suffice it to say that it has taken more time and more money than we thought it would, but don't all projects need more time and money? Soon, people, soon. Yes, Misfit, I know you want them sooner rather than later.

temp job

2010-09-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

It isn't quite fall here, even though school already started and we are all ready for cooler weather. Totally ready. It has been the hottest August on record, I think, but I could be making that up.

A friend from church found me a temp job at the company she works for, and I start there on Tuesday. It should run for six weeks, and then if I like it and they like me, I might get to keep it. This is good news. I'm nervous about it, because it is an office job and something new to me. I know a little, and am a quick learner, so I hope it turns out well.

Michaels is going to continue to let me work on Saturdays with an option to come back if them temp thing doesn't work out. The Christmas season will be in full swing in six weeks, so they'll need extra help. My boss has been so great about being flexible with me and I really appreciate it.

Yes, this is a new job and some financial security, which we need. I'm glad for that. It will help me sleep at night, knowing I have somewhere to go everyday and with a more normal schedule. I won't have to work nights anymore and there are a couple people I know that work there, so I will have a couple friends there, at least.

I know this isn't the most exciting update, and I wish I had a more thrilling announcement, but the temp job came along at a good time. I'll let you know more about it after I start on Tuesday.

Enjoy your labor day weekend!

is randomness a word?

2010-08-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

So now the resumes are being sent out and references are being gathered up and applications sent in and I'm making calls and bugging people in between my shifts at Michaels. I've changed things on my resume so many times and am trying to learn how to gracefully say why I left my old job. Is there a graceful way to say it?

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much, but I'm trying to use my computer time to search for jobs. And I don't have lots to talk about. I wish I had better news, so I'll just give you some random things.

Wal-mart rotisserie chicken is just about the best around. I happen to hate going to Wal-mart. Problem.
Charlie Netflixed The Great Muppet Caper today (and when did Netflix become a verb?) which is one of my favorite movies from childhood. The Muppets are exactly my style.
I accidentally bought some Sour Nerds today. Not as good as regular Nerds.
Chris Daughtry came to my church today, while I was working at Michaels. Yup. I missed it.
Our dog Phoebe has taken to digging in the front flower bed. She is now banned from the front yard, which is her absolute favorite place to be and is driving us nuts by running to the front door every five seconds.
I made spaghetti and meatballs in the crockpot the other night, but then neither of us wanted to eat it. I ate noodles with butter and grated parmesan and Charlie didn't eat.
For the staffing agency I met with I had to take a keyboarding test, a 10key test and an Excel test. I think I did okay, although I know I do not 10key properly. I went as fast as I could with my ghetto way of doing it. I was not able to see the scores, so who knows?
I stayed up way to late last night watching Sense and Sensibility and I came away thinking that Hugh Grant looks really, really uncomfortable throughout that whole movie, but maybe that is the character. Edward is not as great a character as Mr. Darcy, so maybe that's why P&P is my favorite.

Enough randomness? Oh, and that is my teddy bear, Sammy. He loves me. Yes, I still sleep with him. No, I don't feel bad about admitting it.

It's not easy

2010-08-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

This week has brought even more weird things. I don't like to keep bringing you negatives, but the sky keeps falling, a little more each day.

There is nothing happening on the job front, except that I still have my Michaels job and am sending out my resumes like crazy. My pride is tripping me up too. There are tons of jobs out there for jobs I consider beneath me in my big college graduate ivory tower, like cafeteria worker. But today I applied to the county school system to be a cafeteria worker. They make surprisingly good money, I found out and it comes with benefits that I need to have.

I guess the point is that I need to be able to pay my bills, not worry about how I am paying my bills. They just need to get paid. It isn't dire and desperate here at my house, but we all have our creature comforts and I don't really want to give mine up. Nor do I want to have to lose our adoption status because our finances have changed so greatly. It is a big thing to admit that I am prideful about what kind of job I have. My husband keeps telling me that my job isn't who I am, it's just what brings in the money. Isn't funny that we tie all that up together and worry about it? It also gets tied up with the fact that I am not a mother yet, either.

Oh, and there was an adoption I came across today with a mother being induced tomorrow and we meet the requirements that she's looking for except we can't afford the fee. That made me sad that all this turmoil has affected so much. And did I tell you I went over my cell phone minutes? Yup. By 148. To the tune of an extra $75. Yikes. And right when we needed to be saving money. I never go over. Not ever. But in this time of job chaos, I guess I've needed to talk.

And while I want to keep using Facebook to keep connected to people and get out word about my job hunt, it's hard to hear great things about the start of the school year from former co-workers. I know they need to move on and so do I, and I can't expect them to all quit because I was treated badly. But I want them to. That's not fair, I completely understand, but it's how I feel.

Sigh. None of this has been easy, fair or fun.

It's not easy being me right now.

in love with Mr. Darcy

2010-08-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Jane Austen sure knows how to write a man that women love. Wow. I don't know what it is about Mr. Darcy or why he's so attractive to me. I mean, he does spend half the book being annoying to some extent, and if you've only watched the movies you may not completely understand the appeal, but there's just something about him. And Colin Firth. And Matthew MacFayden.

If you've only watched the Keira Knightley version then you've seen a great movie, with great music and wonderful touches and scenery, but you've seen the story on fast forward. Don't get me wrong, if I don't have a lot of time, then that's what I watch. The scenery is gorgeous and the music is beautiful and the scene where he walks through the field to find her in the morning is one that takes my breath away. But they leave so much out.

The A&E version is the definitive version, I think. Colin Firth makes a great Darcy and Jennifer Ehle is a great Elizabeth. Now granted, the lighting isn't as wonderful and the music isn't quite as grand (although they do use the same piece of music during the Netherfield ball dance scene) but the inclusion of much more of the story is what makes it so much better. They really build up the tension between Elizabeth and Darcy, while showing you that he does like her in some manner, and what the relationships around them are really like.

They are both great movies. Any Jane Austen movie is usually pretty good, but P&P is my favorite. I love the Gwyneth Paltrow version of Emma, too. The Anne Hathaway version of Becoming Jane is such an interesting look at Jane Austen as well. One day I Netflixed all the Jane Austen movies I could find and spent a weekend watching them. Fun, right?

Well, right now, Elizabeth is telling Jane how Darcy proposed to her and she turned him down, so I must get back to the movie, and its happy ending.

working through the sadness

2010-08-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

I should be getting all geared up for the new school year, but this year is going to be a little different. I don't have a school job. I mean, I could still get one (not at my old school) but I don't know how it all will happen.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm depressed.

I want to sit at home and watch old movies and eat cookies (except we don't have any) and be sad. But sad isn't going to get me a new job. Watching movies isn't getting those resumes sent out. Reading your blogs isn't making contacts. But I'm tired and that's all I want to do.

That's not really what I'm doing, mind you. It's what I want to do.

I've made some calls this morning and sent some resumes and filled out an application for another job that I need to take and drop off. I talked to someone at a temp agency.

This is a tough economy. I know that. I just wish that I could know where the Lord is leading me. I'm praying that he puts me in the right place, in a place with wonderful co-workers and a boss with integrity.

Integrity. Who would think it would be so hard to find?

So, that's the update from this sad blogger.

I'm going to finish this and take a shower and think about what I making for dinner and maybe go and read a book that I downloaded to my nook. Netflix has a exercise dance video that I think I might watch (notice I did not say that I would actually DO the exercise, lol) and check it out. Endorphins might help me, I guess.

Oh, we had to go and get our physicals yesterday to update our home study. Yuck. I think everyone hopes they will only have to do a home study once. I know we did. Doing it this second time is only adding to my sadness and frustration. I know that is stupid, but time keeps passing and I know I am hurting and getting older and waiting. Blerg.

I feel cried out, but I know there will be more tears about this whole thing. The tears will come and it will make me feel an inkling better. Getting them out helps.

So, I'm going to sign off for today and get a few more things done.

notes from the unemployed

2010-08-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

If one can walk down a path, not knowing where to go, but following the path with complete trust that it will end somewhere wonderful...that's where I am.

I have gone on two interviews, but not received either job. Well, technically three interviews, but I withdrew my application from one job because it just didn't feel right. But I really wanted one of the other two, and the other one sounded good, too.

It's a little bit of a crisis of self confidence, too. I am completely and totally qualified for the jobs I interviewed for, but they chose someone else. I've always been a great employee. I work hard, I show up on time, I'm pleasant to work with...but it's a bad economy and there are a lot of people out there looking for work. I feel so unwanted, and I've typed that before.

And, I've also said before that there is more to the story. And there is. And I can't say right now. I've always shared so much on this blog, but about this, I can't. Things I've posted about my job have come back to haunt me.

Funnily enough, I've never watched much Sex and the City. I honestly didn't get it before. We don't get HBO, but we have Netflix, so I had the movie sent to me. Is it ridiculous that I think it is wonderful? I mean, the friendship portrayed there is something we all aspire to, right? Four women, in NYC, living and writing and loving and wearing fabulous clothes. I fell in love with NYC last summer, and am now falling in love with this show. What I'm coming to realize is that it wasn't about me before, when I was 22. It's more about who I am now, in my 30s. Not that I agree with any of the promiscuity or swearing, but I find that the emotions are real. And in my sad state of affairs, I empathize with poor jilted Carrie. I have a broken job heart. If only I could fly off to Mexico like they do to relax and heal.

I'm praying that the Lord will lead me to the place he wants me to be, to work, to share who I am. I'm praying that he gives me peace while I find it. I feel this clawing desperation inside to have a career and bring home the bacon, and it's not desperate. We're not in that situation. We have savings and I'm still at Michaels and Charlie is still employed.

So, that's the update from this corner of North Carolina.

Oh, and here's something random: I keep calling Charlie to tell him all this bad news. I tend to get these emails in the middle of the day. Ones from my old principal, the emails from the principals turning me down, the call from HR letting me go...they all come in the middle of the day. So I call him and let him know. I told him today that at some point I would hopefully be calling to tell him something good.

What are your thoughts? Give me the good, bad and the ugly.

under a cloud

2010-08-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

All I can ask for is prayer right now. This job situation is bad. I'm now officially done at my old school. Well, I have to pick up a few belongings, but the decision has been made.

But I don't know the future and can't see what's coming. I think the Lord has plans, but I don't know what they are yet.

There isn't much else to say. I'll provide more details later, when I am more settled about the situation.

Sigh. Pioneer Woman's Mystery Mocha cake tonight. Yum.

the financial freak out

2010-08-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

A nice photo to bring up the mood before I bring the mood down.

So I keep applying for jobs and sending out my resume and I went on another interview and now I am waiting for any kind of news.

My current boss may have something to offer me, but doesn't know what that will be. It keeps changing. And getting nastier. The situation just isn't good, but I'm not a girl to leave a job unless I have another one.

My dear, sweet, supportive husband, who has been fantastic about this whole thing, finally had a financial panic attack about the fact that my salary ends in about two weeks. And my health insurance will end August 31st if I don't stay at my current job or find a new one. Let me also just tell you that this is the most fantastic health insurance ever in the whole world. It may not pay for fertility treatments, which I didn't want to do anyway, but it covered everything else.

And, well, I don't know where to go or which way is right.

I pray that the Lord will lead me down the right path and I will be put in the right job.

I'll keep you posted.